My weight, age, limp, rosacea, grey hair and lack of fashion style all negatively affect my relations with adults socially, professionally and romantically, but somehow are all ignored by 40 children who only seem to see the good in me. It's this that keeps me going.
When friendships revolve around or become affected by money, you must really step back and look at how strong that bond really us or ever was.
The old cliche "actions speak louder than words" is never more true than when you remove yourself from a situation and are able to watch from the outside looking in. So many that I know bring about the burdens which they complain about. Myself included.
Sometimes I truly think we become so comfortable with what we assume to be true, that we ignore the other possibilities. On a very small, unimportant scale, this held true until tonight, when I ordered food for dinner. Let's just say this, after tonight, the third best burger I've had this year was at the place claiming to have the best burgers.
From 7:00 to 10:20 tonight I sat alone at a bar. The bar was packed and I knew about 8 people inside, yet we exchanged nothing more than handshakes and pleasantries. Right next door, I assume was a bar filled with people I know well, who would have conversed openly. A beautiful young girl sat next to me and aside from asking if the seat was taken, we said nothing. She was ridiculously well endowed and received stares the entire time she was there. I thought to myself, "if I was 20 years younger," but the reality is, is have sat there quietly back then too. Despite my appearance to those that know me, my shyness is painful at times.
Last week, for the first time in a long time, I was nervous. So nervous, that my hands shook and I had problems doing something as simple as writing my name. It was terribly embarrassing and I could feel the sweat accumulating under my shirt. It was awkward, because I was unsure what the nervousness was a response to. Anger? Frustration? Helplessness? I don't know, but it made me realize how little confidence I have in certain aspects of myself and that us something new. I don't want to experience that feeling again.
It's now 2:44 and I have so much to do tomorrow and it has to happen. The pain I'm in is going to make it much more than I care to imagine. My procrastination has made it a huge project, instead of many little ones. My bad choices during the last few days have increased the number of chores substantially. It's these types of things that makes my insomnia magnified. I was in bed at 11pm and I've been awake since 1:30,,mentally pacing some hallway in my head. Everything is accentuated. The sound of the last train stirred me. The smell of something foreign is burning my nostrils. Every little thing is magnified and all I want is the simple pleasure of four hours of sleep, before the slamming of the door destroys the tranquility of a spring morning.
When friendships revolve around or become affected by money, you must really step back and look at how strong that bond really us or ever was.
The old cliche "actions speak louder than words" is never more true than when you remove yourself from a situation and are able to watch from the outside looking in. So many that I know bring about the burdens which they complain about. Myself included.
Sometimes I truly think we become so comfortable with what we assume to be true, that we ignore the other possibilities. On a very small, unimportant scale, this held true until tonight, when I ordered food for dinner. Let's just say this, after tonight, the third best burger I've had this year was at the place claiming to have the best burgers.
From 7:00 to 10:20 tonight I sat alone at a bar. The bar was packed and I knew about 8 people inside, yet we exchanged nothing more than handshakes and pleasantries. Right next door, I assume was a bar filled with people I know well, who would have conversed openly. A beautiful young girl sat next to me and aside from asking if the seat was taken, we said nothing. She was ridiculously well endowed and received stares the entire time she was there. I thought to myself, "if I was 20 years younger," but the reality is, is have sat there quietly back then too. Despite my appearance to those that know me, my shyness is painful at times.
Last week, for the first time in a long time, I was nervous. So nervous, that my hands shook and I had problems doing something as simple as writing my name. It was terribly embarrassing and I could feel the sweat accumulating under my shirt. It was awkward, because I was unsure what the nervousness was a response to. Anger? Frustration? Helplessness? I don't know, but it made me realize how little confidence I have in certain aspects of myself and that us something new. I don't want to experience that feeling again.
It's now 2:44 and I have so much to do tomorrow and it has to happen. The pain I'm in is going to make it much more than I care to imagine. My procrastination has made it a huge project, instead of many little ones. My bad choices during the last few days have increased the number of chores substantially. It's these types of things that makes my insomnia magnified. I was in bed at 11pm and I've been awake since 1:30,,mentally pacing some hallway in my head. Everything is accentuated. The sound of the last train stirred me. The smell of something foreign is burning my nostrils. Every little thing is magnified and all I want is the simple pleasure of four hours of sleep, before the slamming of the door destroys the tranquility of a spring morning.
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