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Showing posts from July, 2011

July 4th! Where Does It Rank?

July 4th is almost upon us.  It's time to BBQ and listen to idiot light off fireworks in the hopes of wooing the crowd or blowing off their hands.  Either way, a good time will be had by me.  But where does The Fourth of July aka Independence Day rate in the broad spectrum of national holidays?

#1 - Thanksgiving.  Turkey day is great because of what it represents.  It represents family, friends, togetherness and gets rid of that pesky religious aspect.  Seriously, I love this holiday for that reason alone.  I get so annoyed when people want to say grace before Thanksgiving dinner.  I think it's a slap in the face to thank Jesus for something your mom or grandmother slaved over the kitchen for the better part of two days.  Funny thing about Thanksgiving it that despite being my favorite, I don't really love turkey and I never put gravy on my food.  I like stuffing/dressing, mashed potatoes and string beans.  I can do without the Turkey all together.

#2 - New Year's Day.…

Phish Fans In Ithaca Terminal

I will be completely honest.  I've only heard about 20-30 minutes of Phish.  What I heard was like a record skipping on a bad tune.  It was basically extended versions of the worst Grateful Dead songs.  Let me point out that worst Grateful Dead songs encompasses all Grateful Dead songs.  So here's a brief description of the crew, most of who were together.

1st to arrive - Brand new baseball cap, curly hair, ripped t-shirt, cargo shorts falling off his ass.  He spoke on his cell the entire time he waited for his friends.  He had some luggage which consisted of a Coleman cooler, with a pair of shorts and a tee shirt tied to it with a bungee cord and a backpack.  He looked as though clean water had not met his body in a few days.

2nd to arrive.  Steps off the bus and looks like Prince William if he was born with those fake redneck teeth and hair like Harpo Marx.  He wandered around looking for a bathroom and seemed to check the most illogical places, like between two vending mach…

18 Days Away From Home

Well, the long trip that lasted much longer than anticipated is over.  In some ways, I'm going to be happy to get back into my own routine and quite possibly be starting a new one this coming week.  In others, I will miss the interaction and living my life under someone else's direction.  The lazy afternoons speant napping, reading, watching some cooking show and having a light cocktail were nice.  There was no rush to my days and no worries.  In many ways it was a vacation although very few sites were seen and to be completely honest, I spent about 98% of the time I was here in the house, on the porch or on the back deck.  I wouldn't have had it any other way.  OK, maybe a few more movies, but the lure of the laptop was too great at times. 

Netflix, bill collectors and my mailman must all think I'm dead.  In some ways I am.  Maybe in a good way.  Eighteen days away from home, from normalcy.  Eighteen days and one person told me they missed me.  I've always made e…

Sarah Palin: Playboy Centerfold Questionnaire

Someone said on my Facebook page that they wanted Super-Milf and Republican Dimwit Sarah Palin to pose nude in Playboy.  While the pictures of this cougaresque vixen would be appealing, I'd really like to see her answers to the centerfold questionnaire.  It may go something like this.

Turn Ons: People with sub par education, high powered rifles and bridges to nowhere. Turn Offs: Facts, memorization and Matt Damon Favorite Food: Whatever is in the boat. Ambitions: To teach my kids responsibility, so they don't get trapped by the horrors of teen pregnancy. Favorite Books:  Who has the time? Favorite Movies: Into the Wild.  Great to see a man live off the land and succeed. Pets:  Don't have one, but want to get one like the Herculoid's kid.  Dinosaurs are so cute. People I Admire:  All the writers of the constitution, but Ringo is my favorite. Favorite Song to Sing:  Amazing Race...because they came to Alaska once. Good First Date Idea:  I love them wrapped in bacon.  Yummy!

Things That Make Me Happy From A-Z: A Rare Moment Of Complete Positivity

A lot of people think I'm bitter.  So to prove everyone wrong here is a list of all the things in my life that make me happy right now. 

A - Avocados.  I've eaten more in the last two months than in the last 40 years.  Love them!
B - Bachmann, Michelle.  Didn't think someone could give me and Michael Curtis more than Palin gave us.
C - Cooking.  I didn't do a lot of it, but at least I remembered I still kind of get how to do it.
D - Daydreaming.  I did a lot of it over the last two and half weeks and it's incredibly rejuvenating.
E - Everydays.  For seventeen days, there hasn't been Mondays or Fridays or Sundays.  Just Everydays.
F - Front Porch.  A cold drink, a magazine or newspaper and people watching.  I could do this forever.
G - Grandma.  My last grandparent reminded me that life is worth living to the fullest.  FUCK Tomorrow!
H - Ham.  Not that processed deli shit.  Sliced off the bone goodness.  Been a while and I liked it.
I - Ithaca.  One section is …

Parenting 101: From Someone Who Isn't A Parent

Thankfully about seven people read this, so I'm not going to get too much shit for this.  I've spent almost three weeks at my father's house in Ithaca with he and my grandmother.  It's been a fun time and somewhat reflective time in my life.  Even though my grandmother is much older and my father is the person I've always known him to be, there are those little quirks that they both share that I've picked up on.  I'm sure there are some quirks he has that I have, but I find certain things are the exact opposite, which I doubt is a coincidence.  As the days have rolled by, I've thought about the lessons and the things we did that made me the  person I am today. Now not everything in my life has been positive and not every positive thing was gained by my parents teaching, but many of my inner values are from experiences in my life.  Here are some

I said this before, but when your child is of learning age, especially the mid-grade school years of 4th and 5…