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July 4th! Where Does It Rank?

July 4th is almost upon us.  It's time to BBQ and listen to idiot light off fireworks in the hopes of wooing the crowd or blowing off their hands.  Either way, a good time will be had by me.  But where does The Fourth of July aka Independence Day rate in the broad spectrum of national holidays?

#1 - Thanksgiving.  Turkey day is great because of what it represents.  It represents family, friends, togetherness and gets rid of that pesky religious aspect.  Seriously, I love this holiday for that reason alone.  I get so annoyed when people want to say grace before Thanksgiving dinner.  I think it's a slap in the face to thank Jesus for something your mom or grandmother slaved over the kitchen for the better part of two days.  Funny thing about Thanksgiving it that despite being my favorite, I don't really love turkey and I never put gravy on my food.  I like stuffing/dressing, mashed potatoes and string beans.  I can do without the Turkey all together.

#2 - New Year's Day.  Don't sleep on New Year's Day.  NYE is fun and all, but New Years day is so much better.  College Football all day long, TV show marathons.  And usually some leftover food or beverages.  It's also a fun bar day, because all the professionals are out and the bartenders are usually hungover and usually coming of a profitable night.  Cheap day and wall to wall sports.

#3 - Passover.  If you've never been to a Passover Seder, you should go.  But don't go if it's a very religious family, because they read the Haggadah til you wanna kill yourself.  It feels longer than a Stephen King novel.  If they were like my family, they did a few pages and bam, we were eating some truly good eats!  I remember laughing more during Passover as a young kid than any other holiday.

#4 - St. Patrick's Day.  Everyone is Irish on St. Paddy's Day.  Which roughly translates to "piss drunk."  Always starts off really slow, with the early afternoon crowd starting the festivities and then usually by about 6pm, all the lightweights are gone and then all the after work crowd comes out.  It's really more of a survival test than a holiday.  I've survived many and still live to talk about it.

#5 - Christmas Eve.  Always trumps Christmas.  Guineas do that five fishes thing which is awesome if they have an ounce of talent in cooking.  I always liked the meal for Christmas Eve better, because if we went somewhere they inevitably had turkey or ham and those excite me as much as seeing a naked Joan Rivers.  On the Eve, my mother always seemed to do something special.  Not that we didn't have a few killer Christmas dinners (Duck, Squab, Goose, Lamb), but for the most part we had a better dinner the night before Jesus' birthday.

#6 - Memorial Day.  It's usually the beginning of the nice weather and the beginning of BBQ season.  People always seem to go overboard with the food and it's always positive.  People get into Memorial Day, because of the timing.  Labor Day is more like a funeral, Memorial Day is more like a birth.

#7 - Columbus Day.  Stupid holiday where Italians praise a social outcast who was basically thrown out of the country on Spain's dime and then "found" a place that was completely inhabited and then killed as many people he could.   He was the Hitler of the 1400's, but thankfully most immigrants to this country don't know American history, so we have parades.  It's also one of the best drinking holidays. Bars are packed and it's just a party.  It's like St. Paddy's Day, with less green and no bagpipers.

#8 - SuperBowl Sunday - OK, it's not a national holiday, but it should be.  Well actually the Monday after should be.  It should be called Kennedy Day.  Not for the idiot president who was a womanizer and almost got all of us killed, before taking one himself, but for the family tradition of football and running moonshine during prohibition.  I'm tired of telling my boss I got stuck taking a girl home from Chappaquiddick anyway.

#9 - Mardi Gras.  Bars in NY have dropped the ball on this one.  Go to New Orleans and it makes complete sense to drink sweet drinks with 151 Bacardi in it and for girls to show their tits for 8 cent beads.  What the hell is wrong with that?

#10 - Halloween.  Now I hate the trick or treating aspect of it.  I hate the candy aspect of it.  I hate kids ringing my doorbell starting at 4pm.  I also hate store bought costumes.  What I do like is when girls say "hey it's Halloween, what's the most wholesome thing you can think of, because I'm going t totally make that slutty."  Hey there is nothing better than an Ariel costume when I can see areolas.  Snow White wearing a garter belt?  Leather Little Bo Peep? Poke-a-hantas? Justin Beiber.....sorry, I started daydreaming.  Seriously, some of the costumes are just ridiculous and in such a good way.  For guys...just be something funny. 

So there you have it.  The 4th doesn't even make the list.  Maybe if Ricky gets me really drunk Monday that'll change, but this is my list and I'm sticking to it.  Sorry, President's Day, Cinco de Mayo, Yom Kippur, Hannukah and Christmas.  If I have to buy presents, fast, honor George W. Bush, or drink Tequila, I'm passing. 


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