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He Don't Got Game

I sometimes wonder why I can say absolutely anything to perfect strangers when I know that there are really no emotional repercussions or opportunities. I can compliment, offend, tease, whatever the situation does or doesn't call for, I can proceed without caution and usually say the right thing. Usually it's a light joke or maybe an over-the-top statement, but I usually nail it.

This past weekend I was having a grand old time when two chairs opened up in between myself and the group of ladies I was hanging out with. We had been going back and forth joking, sometimes lewd comments, but all kept in good taste with no real intent. A nice couple sat down between us and within about five minutes I turned to the guy and said "Wait, you're going out? How the fuck did you get her?" He laughed, she laughed, everyone laughed and it was soon known that I was harmlessly flirting and nothing was being done maliciously. Later in the night, the young lady stretched in her chair, revealing a lovely and shapely silhouette and I turned to her beau and said "earmuffs." He half-heartily covered his ears and I asked her if she could stretch again. She actually thought it was cute and sweet. I'm sure if he'd been my size and I'd been his, the statement wouldn't have occurred, but who knows, I'm a goof at times.

Sure alcohol plays parts in these tails, but honestly, I never go into a situation thinking anything wrong. I know my boundaries and while, sure there are times I wish I was about 10 years younger and in the shape I was in 20 years ago, I have more fun now than I did then. I sometimes think I have more fun when there is no attachment. When that bond isn't there. Just a few nights ago, as I stumbled home from a fun night. A car came up the hill and it was a girl and her brother who I'd previously been hanging out with. She's quite adorable and when she said she was coming back to go out, I felt obliged. A fun night, from what I remember was had, and she told me the following day that her brother and her had argued, in a large part due to the excessive amount of shots I proceeded to feed him. This was followed by her asking if I'd danced with her mom lately. In the past few weeks, I've danced four times. Once with a girl who was out with her boyfriend, once with an obviously married woman, once with a friend's mother and the final time, I must say, I was doing something between the Irish jig and epileptic seizure. I'm sure from onlookers faces, it was more the latter.

So why is it that I can be so free. So funny and charming when I know there is nothing to lose, or to gain, but I freeze up when there might be something on the line. I get emotional. I say way too much at times. I pour my heart out when all that is wanted is a little joke or maybe a caress of the arm. I get way too serious and inevitably I blow it. In the past twenty years, I've basically had three quite long relationships. All good, all bad, all ended. I have nothing but good things to say about all three ladies and even some of the shorter relationships, I am thankful for the opportunity to know those people.

I sometimes think maybe I'm too smart for my own good. Maybe I'm not smart enough. I obviously don't have the physical attributes to come across with too much bravado, but I'm not shy. I am not outwardly open, but I do like to initiate conversation. I sometimes think to myself that the person is out-of-my-league, but then I'm reminded of what Justin's father on shitmydadsays.com once told him, "That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them." It's funny, but it is human nature for us to look at someone, at their clothing, their car, and decide immediately if they are worth pursuing or more so, if we have a chance.

When I was about ten years younger I worked at a camp. I was told that one night the 15-year-old girls all sat and voted for the guy they would date and the guy they'd like to, well you know. These were kids. Sadly they were talking about the staff. They made their choices and word got out who they had little crushes on. One of the counselors came up to me and told me a secret "she said, they almost all said you were the one that was marriage material." I laughed, because at the time, I was in mental disarray. I didn't know my ass from elbow and had ruined a possible relationship the summer before by dwelling and giving way too much information about myself when the other party just wanted me to kiss them. I think back at that and laugh. Now, ten, maybe even twelve years later, I'm far from marriage material. I live paycheck to paycheck, eat and drink too much, am way too obsessed with classic cinema and way too little obsessed with cleaning my apartment (which by the way is the size of a postage stamp). I am good with kids, this I know. I've worked with kids in one way or another for 20 years. Usually coaching sports, etc. Some women like that. They are called married. I've flirted with the married ones but eventually get scared off and rightfully so. I do have morals. Sometimes alcohol and sexual desire can make someone question those morals, but as to date, I've yet to cross that boundary. Some say it's guilt free. I question that. I value the sanctity of marriage, just not the ridiculous religious extras. Any document, that's not a will that has death in it, should immediately be discarded.

So where does this leave me? Alone forever? I doubt it. I do feel I have a lot to offer. Maybe not financially, but in other ways, and who knows. Maybe money isn't the key to happiness. Maybe marriage isn't the key to happiness. There's something about finishing a day of work. Leaving kids who are laughing, yelling, some even crying. Knowing that whatever emotion they portray now, I'll be home alone watching some wondeful foreign film or out watching a game. Maybe I'll be making someone laugh, maybe I'll be making someone think. Maybe someone will be thinking that this is someone they want to know better. I don't understand the game of life. I definitely don't understand the game of love. The problem with love is that it works or you lose at the buzzer. There is no in between. I just wish I could be the person I am when it doesn't matter, when it actually does. Then I'd have, as the "kids" are saying, GAME!

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