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Free Writing - Take 35

5:30am. The light from the phone singes my corneas. Fatigue is unbearable, but sleep is unattainable. I slept this afternoon. A brief illness, congestion and fatigue. It kept me from oysters. Oysters! I feel the bumps on my face and realize my prescription has run it's course. The skin of an adolescent plagues me. The pains in my body are taking over. The exertion it takes to walk down a hallway is frightening. I walked three flights of stairs a few weeks back and started to sweat. The knees, the hip, the shoulder and now these headaches. Just enough to let me know they are there. I can't sleep in my apartment anymore. There is no peace. There is no quiet. The banging of doors and the cackling of people who's cellphone conversations can't wait ten feet. I'm bitter. I'm bored. I'm broke. Lonely, worried about the future, thinking constantly of the past. The mistakes, the decisions, the sacrifices and the loss. I look for money, for work, for help from above (no not God), but silence. I fill many a day with a laugh, a smile or something else, but I'm crazing it's reciprocation. The sun rises and sets and the seasons change, but reality doesn't. Today news, both good and terrifying. I keep waiting for the hammer to drop. Thor was a god, so maybe I'll be disproved by a mighty blow or maybe the spring sun will simply shine bright on me. I know one thing. I would be eternally grateful to start all over. As far back as I could go. To that first hug, first bottle and first kiss goodnight. I want to feel that appreciation for life again. And be thankful for that day.

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