Skip to main content

Free Writing - Take 69

Type type type. Delete. Over and over I do it. So afraid to offend. Silence from where I want to hear noise. Constant silence. The only time I hear anything, is the rehearsed, timed responses. The same conversations each and every day. I hear them on the phone. I hear them spoken. Each day. Even the faint muttering to oneself is the exact same. It's like being trapped in an awful version of Grounhog's Day, but without the knowledge it can be changed and it can't be ended. The same exact routine over and over. Even alone, I sleep and wake up. I lie in bed or maybe I get up. I eat immediately, but what if I am not hungry? I don't eat. I don't follow this rule, this painful fucking rule that each day I must have the bowl filled with the same contents, the same tea, the same one hour and 15 minutes. The routine, which if broken sends the day into a tailspin. The pattering of keys, the sound of the shower or maybe not. The written note, 12:45 or is it 1:00 or 1:15 today? The idea of picking up what one needs for three four days seems simple, but then the routine is broken. The same time every single day. The shake, the stir, the memories of everything after that first sip, lost. Lost, not for the night, it doesn't come back in drips and drabs, it is lost forever. The next day, the same question, the confused look. The complete lack of awareness that this conversation has been had before. And the excuse. It's all to hide the reality. The same real reason it's been since 2005, which was the same in '95 and back in '85. Maybe even '75 or even '65. The night's celebration of life was one of nothingness. Was it even remembered? The past ones have been received with an "oh yeah." I think back to conversation towards the end, where I was warned of this and to be understanding. Sorry, I can't be, because it's a choice, not an affliction. Or is it?

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

White Privilege

This was a post I wrote on Facebook after surprisingly not seeing any moaning about the Documentary by Jose Antonio Vargas, titled White People Dayyum! I just scrolled my timeline and not a single white person got their feelings hurt by White People. I unfortunately haven't seen it, but the number of fake accounts that popped up on twitter, tells me it was a damn good show. Here's the thing. If someone of color aka non-white says "White Privilege," are you offended? If you said yes, then you are exhibiting white privilege. It has nothing to do with how hard you work or study, how you stayed out of trouble, because here's the thing, that is entirely the point. Somewhere out there, there are 100 Black, Spanish, Native American, Arab, Asian, who worked and studied as hard as you and never got in trouble, but they don't have what you "earned" or achieved. Stop looking at the one person you know who isn't white that achieved as your benchmark. Loo
10 comments
Read more

11 Rules of Life - Bill Gates?

I read this on Facebook this morning.  A friend had posted it and said that every child should have to receive this. I of course read it and started to think.  I immediately wondered who really wrote this, as I rarely see things like this attributed to the proper person.  I immediately found it was written by Conservative Charles J. Sykes when he wrote a book about how America is dumbing down our youth.  I read it twice and started to wonder how true it was.  Below is a link to the actual picture I saw. So let's look at each of the rules and analyze them. Rule 1: Life is not fair — get used to it! - Life is not fair in that we are not all afforded the same opportunities based on race, creed, color, socio-economic background, but in general, those who are afforded the same opportunities to succeed are very often rewarded for their individual efforts.  Sure there may be underlying circumstances, but hard work is proven to pay more often than not and those who strive for succ
Post a Comment
Read more

Quickie Review - Finding Vivian Maier

While I thoroughly enjoyed the film, especially the first 15-20 minutes, I was a little bothered by the way the film played out. The interviews with the clearly disturbed brother, sister and the mother, who obviously, was in for a cut, didn't need to be in the film. Then the woman who suggested abuse, yet seemed to have her life defined by Maier, as she tried to muster every ounce of emotion and fake guilt. Her friend, more than happy to be party of the charade. People who talk about abuse for the first time, usually don't do so on camera. The fact these scenes were so prominent, shows that they felt wronged that they were not rewarded. Maloof on the other hand, seems to disappear from the documentary during this part, almost hiding away from the fact, he went from complete praise, to even making money off of her, to destroying her personal legacy. He almost mentions the family of boys taking care of her rent, as an afterthought. Her burial spot, never shown, yet a video of her
7 comments
Read more