This blog used to be much more personal. A way for me to get off my chest and mind the things I couldn't always talk about. Nobody read it, which made it somewhat like screaming at the mirror, but for whatever, it helped. I gave it up a while back, when I started talking to real people, but I started to realize their ideas, thoughts, opinions and often their criticisms, were entirely based on their lives and not mine. I lost my outlet and I started to internalize. I'm not saying this will be my go to source for therapy, but maybe I need it. Maybe I don't. Maybe internalizing isn't such a bad thing after all. I mean, nobody really wants to hear other people's problems anyway, unless of course, they can make a buck off of them.
So an incident happened back in November and it put me in a bind. Without getting into a long-winded, detailed account, I threatened someone. Apparently, I threatened them in the worst way I could. I threatened to treat them as they had treated me. In a nutshell, I threatened to embarrass them. Nothing extreme. Nothing slanderous or even life shattering. I simply threatened to tell people what they said about them, behind closed doors. The irony is, the person I threatened had done this to me for the better part of three years and when I really delved into it, they'd done it to me for the better part of 46 years. Never happy with my achievements, my businesses, my hopes, my dreams, my desires, because they weren't "scholarly" enough. Not to overuse irony, but this person is a complete failure at life. Having the same job for five decades and never once getting the respect from his employer that I've enjoyed from every one of mine. Never doing a single thing of merit, other than existing. A lifelong functioning alcoholic, who is a narcissist, despite having nothing to show for that would warrant such narcissism. Some people call him by his given name, I used to call him Dad.
Now I sit in a hotel room, paid for by the kindness of my remaining family members I respect and love. My brother, my sister-in-law and my beautiful niece. I await my next step. A move to a new home. It's taken away every ounce of pride I've ever had, but it beats being homeless. That was the alternative. An alternative, caused by an old man not wanting others to know he gets drunk and moans his friend Nick's name. How he feels entitled to women's charms, simply because of past indiscretions or because of a hot meal he paid for or cooked. How his friend's son is the local drug dealer, but he's supporting a wife and kid, so it's allowed. His defense of accusing me of "trying to kill him (with words?)" was that these people are scholars. Scholars? This warrants my life to be turned upside down, because I don't admire amateurish writing by people he wants to fuck or be respected by? Many have told me he's old and probably senile and while I don't doubt he has selective bouts of it, I think he's simply trying to feel important.
Back to Christmas. I should note that Thanksgiving was spent alone too. The one holiday that matters to me, was spent watching football on an old TV in a motel room, petting my cat and eating some vegan substitute for meat, while wondering why I had spent a decade of my life taking care of my mother, as she died, while he swallowed glass after glass of wine, laughing with friends he had "business" with and never seeming to realize a driver's license might assist us all. Something he quickly got once she passed, because of the inconvenience he was causing friends when asking to go shopping. That simple act of getting a license, could have saved ,me from dropping out of college, giving up one of my favorite jobs and moving on with my life, while everyone around me moved on with theirs. But that wasn't to be. Selfish, cowardly people, tend to suck the life out of others, then move on.
Enough about that situation and on to mine. Christmas was depressing. News of a friend passing away combined with the solitude and quiet of an empty motel, didn't feel festive. There was very little eating, no drinking and the idea of feeling merry wasn't in the cards. Woe is me, I know. It could be worse. I know. There are people getting bombed in Aleppo. I know. I am thankful. I am thankful that earlier that week, I got to hug my brother, my sister-in-law and my beautiful niece. I got to hold her tight and kiss her forehead, the same way my mother did to me. I got to reflect on my life and realize that as bad as the man I got stuck with as a father has treated me over the years, I have the love and compassion my mother instilled in me. And you know what? As bad as I felt and as alone as I was, she was there. Not looking down or in spirit or any other paranormal way, but simply in my heart. My father may read this and this blog alone could put me in jail (no, really), but it doesn't matter, because he knows I know my mother's true feelings. About me, about my brother and especially about him. If I believed a soul could spin, toss and turn in their grave, I'd feel sorry for my mother, because she'd be a tornado. If I believed in Karma, well you know. But maybe that's how life is, Maybe when that last breath is taken and he's all alone, he'll then realize, he doesn't even have her. I always will. No matter how alone I feel.
So an incident happened back in November and it put me in a bind. Without getting into a long-winded, detailed account, I threatened someone. Apparently, I threatened them in the worst way I could. I threatened to treat them as they had treated me. In a nutshell, I threatened to embarrass them. Nothing extreme. Nothing slanderous or even life shattering. I simply threatened to tell people what they said about them, behind closed doors. The irony is, the person I threatened had done this to me for the better part of three years and when I really delved into it, they'd done it to me for the better part of 46 years. Never happy with my achievements, my businesses, my hopes, my dreams, my desires, because they weren't "scholarly" enough. Not to overuse irony, but this person is a complete failure at life. Having the same job for five decades and never once getting the respect from his employer that I've enjoyed from every one of mine. Never doing a single thing of merit, other than existing. A lifelong functioning alcoholic, who is a narcissist, despite having nothing to show for that would warrant such narcissism. Some people call him by his given name, I used to call him Dad.
Now I sit in a hotel room, paid for by the kindness of my remaining family members I respect and love. My brother, my sister-in-law and my beautiful niece. I await my next step. A move to a new home. It's taken away every ounce of pride I've ever had, but it beats being homeless. That was the alternative. An alternative, caused by an old man not wanting others to know he gets drunk and moans his friend Nick's name. How he feels entitled to women's charms, simply because of past indiscretions or because of a hot meal he paid for or cooked. How his friend's son is the local drug dealer, but he's supporting a wife and kid, so it's allowed. His defense of accusing me of "trying to kill him (with words?)" was that these people are scholars. Scholars? This warrants my life to be turned upside down, because I don't admire amateurish writing by people he wants to fuck or be respected by? Many have told me he's old and probably senile and while I don't doubt he has selective bouts of it, I think he's simply trying to feel important.
Back to Christmas. I should note that Thanksgiving was spent alone too. The one holiday that matters to me, was spent watching football on an old TV in a motel room, petting my cat and eating some vegan substitute for meat, while wondering why I had spent a decade of my life taking care of my mother, as she died, while he swallowed glass after glass of wine, laughing with friends he had "business" with and never seeming to realize a driver's license might assist us all. Something he quickly got once she passed, because of the inconvenience he was causing friends when asking to go shopping. That simple act of getting a license, could have saved ,me from dropping out of college, giving up one of my favorite jobs and moving on with my life, while everyone around me moved on with theirs. But that wasn't to be. Selfish, cowardly people, tend to suck the life out of others, then move on.
Enough about that situation and on to mine. Christmas was depressing. News of a friend passing away combined with the solitude and quiet of an empty motel, didn't feel festive. There was very little eating, no drinking and the idea of feeling merry wasn't in the cards. Woe is me, I know. It could be worse. I know. There are people getting bombed in Aleppo. I know. I am thankful. I am thankful that earlier that week, I got to hug my brother, my sister-in-law and my beautiful niece. I got to hold her tight and kiss her forehead, the same way my mother did to me. I got to reflect on my life and realize that as bad as the man I got stuck with as a father has treated me over the years, I have the love and compassion my mother instilled in me. And you know what? As bad as I felt and as alone as I was, she was there. Not looking down or in spirit or any other paranormal way, but simply in my heart. My father may read this and this blog alone could put me in jail (no, really), but it doesn't matter, because he knows I know my mother's true feelings. About me, about my brother and especially about him. If I believed a soul could spin, toss and turn in their grave, I'd feel sorry for my mother, because she'd be a tornado. If I believed in Karma, well you know. But maybe that's how life is, Maybe when that last breath is taken and he's all alone, he'll then realize, he doesn't even have her. I always will. No matter how alone I feel.
Jon, Sad but true, not only for you but many people like you. You have a way with words that is very unusual. You are the most articulate jock with whom I have ever had the pleasure of working.
ReplyDeletePlease do get back to blogging. I always find your take on most things resonates with mine.
Thank you Peter. So would you say when I write it's "scratching an articulate jock itch?" HAHA!
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