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I do not do it often, but every now and then, I glance back at old posts to see where I was in my life. This morning I looked and realized I was coming to the end of something I tormented friends with, called 100 Days of Hopper. In this day, in 2014, I wrote of my decision to leave Westchester for good and all the reasons. There was no joy in leaving and definitely no joy in staying. The change in my life has sadly had very few positives. It's changed me. It's made me more cynical, if that were possible. It's made me question the humanity of others and see people without their facade. It's also made me pay attention to what they say, and I believe I've learned to read messages between lines they don't realize they've revealed. Sadly, I don't really believe I've found much out about myself, other than the walls my mother described so often. She could always set me straight, even if only for a while.

I also read a post about that one friend. The one who saw through the bullshit, of others and of my own. Maybe he gave me a bit of a pass, because we had common misgivings and misfortune. I smiled at first and then realized how detached from reality I have become. My friend isn't here anymore. I've lost a lot of people I once called friends, not once n the past three years having a chance to say goodbye. There's a lot less laughter lately. A lot more sorrow, sickness and loss. I'm not the person I once was and feel I'm losing my ability to feel pain. I used to cry a lot. At movies, books, but most often memories. I don't cry very much and I feel it, bottled up waiting to burst, but it never does. I've become callous, not really towards individuals, but mankind in general. I have become obsessed with news and the future, but not mine. My life has no news and I wonder about the future. A soft purr and the occasional nuzzle, reminds me I'm needed, if only for a bit. I have true friends, but that list is dwindling and my time with them is lessened by distance.  It's my fault, mostly. I am aware. I haven't lost that.

It's been almost a year since I spoke to my friend, never once thinking it would be the last time. I did not have some philosophical lesson about cherishing days, times or epiphany of seizing a day. I learned the same lesson I've known. I enjoy moments, surrounded by many more that I don't, and those moments define my nature. For good and for bad.

Comments

  1. AnonymousAugust 31, 2017 at 2:55 PM

    If it's any comfort,Jon, you are not alone...

    ReplyDelete

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