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Reflective Weekend

Finally getting back to work was great for my body and mind. The weekend of sitting, reading, drinking, and reflection was also just what the doctor ordered. Over the weekend, I made a mental list of things that make me happy and another of things that frustrate me. Many of them are truly a yin and yang, with one feeding off the other, causing me glee or anger. I'm working on that too.

I won't bore anyone with the tiny things, like being somewhat obsessive about dirty dishes or the fact I never make my bed unless I'm putting fresh sheets on, but even in that area, I am slightly obsessive about clean sheets and towels. I recently shared a bathroom with a guy who didn't clean his towels for six months. No, I'm not kidding. It's little things I do that make me happy but I've also realized I do these things for others not out of overall kindness but a desire not to be frustrated. These things are what most people don't even think about, and yes, I thought long and hard about that too.

The overall thing I came away with is somewhat depressing and it caused me to lose quite a bit of sleep. Almost my entire life, regardless of whether I was doing well financially or not, I've always been on major bill away from being penniless. If you read this and got a little confused, welcome to my world. Money. for the most part, means nothing to me. Sure, I need it as much as anyone else, but it's not what drives me and it never has. When I have it, I share it, and to the point of absurdity. When I don't, my giving ways end up hurting me. I've learned that things irritate me. Not events, but tangible things. I don't want things anymore. I actually go out of my way not to accumulate stuff because it's unimportant. I do miss having experiences though and while the children I work with every day fill that void to some extent, there's just so much I want to do and see. Therein lies the conundrum.

How might one who proudly has no tangible assets, experience all life has to offer, in a world where financial stability is the main source for allowing such experiences?

I stopped thinking and started drinking when I got to this point.

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