In the past I've been accused of being a fixture at the Piper's Kilt in Eastchester. I've always somewhat laughed at that, because I'm not there nearly as much as people think. When I do go out, it does tend to consist of multiple hours that most livers and kidneys can't fathom, but the number of days is greatly exaggerated. Recently, I've been expanding my horizons and going to other places. Rumors have been stirred about a boycott of my beloved Kilt, but they aren't true. We won't get into the reasons for my lessened visits, due to my desire to protect the innocent (and the guilty). A few days ago, a friend of mine made a comment that resonated in my mind. He said, "what if we started a union." The thought was that we would use our monetary expenditures as collateral for lower drink prices. It sounds silly, but we really started thinking about the impact we could have on the local drinking scene.
We started talking about who would be in it and within minutes we realized that with our first three members, we'd be a $1000 a week (of which about 40% is tips) entity. We started adding some other regulars from here and there and it grew to about ten people and $2500 a week. It sounds silly, but get another fifteen professional drinkers and we're twenty-five people that could cause a restaurant's final tally to swing almost $5000 per week up or down. That's a quarter of a million dollars a year. What restaurant wouldn't lower their beer prices a quarter or fifty cents to accommodate that kind of coin? What bartender wouldn't enjoy a minimum of $1000 a week, just from one group?
If illegal immigrants can form a union to require those (ironically mostly Republican) business owners to pay a minimum amount when they pick them up in the morning (by the way, this is true, the guys in Yonkers who sit out on the corner looking for work, formed a union), then why couldn't a bunch of tax-paying, after work drinkers, do the same? I know the very thought of a bunch of drinkers thinking they have that kind of pull sounds preposterous, but think about the results of our absence in one place? Take the money aspect away and think about yourself. Unless you are just trying to get away from the world or a complete alcoholic, chances are you prefer walking into a bar that has a nice crowd, rather than that dingy lit, musty smelling, empty place. If there is chatter going on, people laughing and possibly some women, you're walking in. If you're a female, we want you now (for our union). Our union would all but guarantee a full bar every night. You figure with twenty-five members, all who are a minimum of four night a week drinkers, you're guaranteed to have at least fourteen of us there on any given night. Fourteen hardcore drinkers, who tip well. It's win-win situation for all.
Our union would have requirements and standards. Of course you could go to other places, but you would only have a certain number of "union free days" per month. The great thing about our union is that we would have these nights out at a lower cost, plus, we would call them meetings once a week and we could use any money spent as a tax write-off. Imagine getting drunk on Uncle Sam. Is there anything better? With our collateral we would hope to start a bidding war for our services. Restaurants would have to sign contracts that they would sell us our beer, wines and spirits at a discounted price on any given night. The hope would eventually be that our union would grow to such and extent that all the local places would be charging us less, unbeknownst to them, that it really didn't matter anymore.
There of course would be other perks. Upon joining the union, you would receive a beer mug, a flask and a shot glass with the DUI logo. We would have a weekly newsletter stating our goals and aspirations for the coming nights. We would have events like "beer pong for the bunnies" and "whiskey shots for sickle cell." We would use the monthly union dues to pay for transportation to and from each drinking establishment in the DUI mobile. This would be a tricked out school bus with tinted windows, a bathroom and our own custom made breathalyzer that would rate one's drunkenness by three levels - she's gonna be pissed, you're sleeping on the couch and are you fucking nuts going home in this shape? Single men would not be allowed to use this device, because honestly, they don't have anyone who cares enough to get mad.
Like all groups, we would have a strict code. No cheap tippers allowed, we're getting perks, so do not disgrace our union by belittling the man or woman serving your drink, ever! If you got into a fight in our participating establishment, you'd be required to pay for every other union member's drinks who happened to be with you. If you fight with another union member, you both are banished from that Establishment for one week. Upon return you would have to pay each person's bar tab who was present that evening. Falling down, vomiting or peeing in your pants is perfectly acceptable as long as you do not tell any non-members about your participation in our union. Bringing new members into the union would be subject to an evaluation period where they would be required to buy at least one drink for each member present. If you are going through the evaluation period, at no point should you be the first to leave the establishment.
Finally, we realize that once word got out about our union, there would be some skeptics and some who oppose our vision. We would have to carefully explain to groups such as M.A.D.D. that we never drive and we have a bus. As for S.A.D.D, they shouldn't be drinking anyway, so what are they getting their panties in a bunch for? As for Alcoholics Anonymous, well we are a positive group and we don't correspond with quitters.
We started talking about who would be in it and within minutes we realized that with our first three members, we'd be a $1000 a week (of which about 40% is tips) entity. We started adding some other regulars from here and there and it grew to about ten people and $2500 a week. It sounds silly, but get another fifteen professional drinkers and we're twenty-five people that could cause a restaurant's final tally to swing almost $5000 per week up or down. That's a quarter of a million dollars a year. What restaurant wouldn't lower their beer prices a quarter or fifty cents to accommodate that kind of coin? What bartender wouldn't enjoy a minimum of $1000 a week, just from one group?
If illegal immigrants can form a union to require those (ironically mostly Republican) business owners to pay a minimum amount when they pick them up in the morning (by the way, this is true, the guys in Yonkers who sit out on the corner looking for work, formed a union), then why couldn't a bunch of tax-paying, after work drinkers, do the same? I know the very thought of a bunch of drinkers thinking they have that kind of pull sounds preposterous, but think about the results of our absence in one place? Take the money aspect away and think about yourself. Unless you are just trying to get away from the world or a complete alcoholic, chances are you prefer walking into a bar that has a nice crowd, rather than that dingy lit, musty smelling, empty place. If there is chatter going on, people laughing and possibly some women, you're walking in. If you're a female, we want you now (for our union). Our union would all but guarantee a full bar every night. You figure with twenty-five members, all who are a minimum of four night a week drinkers, you're guaranteed to have at least fourteen of us there on any given night. Fourteen hardcore drinkers, who tip well. It's win-win situation for all.
Our union would have requirements and standards. Of course you could go to other places, but you would only have a certain number of "union free days" per month. The great thing about our union is that we would have these nights out at a lower cost, plus, we would call them meetings once a week and we could use any money spent as a tax write-off. Imagine getting drunk on Uncle Sam. Is there anything better? With our collateral we would hope to start a bidding war for our services. Restaurants would have to sign contracts that they would sell us our beer, wines and spirits at a discounted price on any given night. The hope would eventually be that our union would grow to such and extent that all the local places would be charging us less, unbeknownst to them, that it really didn't matter anymore.
There of course would be other perks. Upon joining the union, you would receive a beer mug, a flask and a shot glass with the DUI logo. We would have a weekly newsletter stating our goals and aspirations for the coming nights. We would have events like "beer pong for the bunnies" and "whiskey shots for sickle cell." We would use the monthly union dues to pay for transportation to and from each drinking establishment in the DUI mobile. This would be a tricked out school bus with tinted windows, a bathroom and our own custom made breathalyzer that would rate one's drunkenness by three levels - she's gonna be pissed, you're sleeping on the couch and are you fucking nuts going home in this shape? Single men would not be allowed to use this device, because honestly, they don't have anyone who cares enough to get mad.
Like all groups, we would have a strict code. No cheap tippers allowed, we're getting perks, so do not disgrace our union by belittling the man or woman serving your drink, ever! If you got into a fight in our participating establishment, you'd be required to pay for every other union member's drinks who happened to be with you. If you fight with another union member, you both are banished from that Establishment for one week. Upon return you would have to pay each person's bar tab who was present that evening. Falling down, vomiting or peeing in your pants is perfectly acceptable as long as you do not tell any non-members about your participation in our union. Bringing new members into the union would be subject to an evaluation period where they would be required to buy at least one drink for each member present. If you are going through the evaluation period, at no point should you be the first to leave the establishment.
Finally, we realize that once word got out about our union, there would be some skeptics and some who oppose our vision. We would have to carefully explain to groups such as M.A.D.D. that we never drive and we have a bus. As for S.A.D.D, they shouldn't be drinking anyway, so what are they getting their panties in a bunch for? As for Alcoholics Anonymous, well we are a positive group and we don't correspond with quitters.
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