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The Vegan Nightmare

I've been a vegan for over a year. Vegetarian for about 20 months. I did not do it for dietary or health reasons, although those side effects have been a wonderful change. I did it purely for moral and ethical reasons. I finally realized, yes it took me 45+ years to realize, I am no more important than a bird, a cat, a cow or a fish. I am not more important than the spider weaving its web or the mosquito or wasp, who may not respect me as much as I them. It's my choice and I've not done much preaching. I've signed dozens of petitions and written letters, but most of my preaching is done one-on-one, in the hopes that parents will do better for their children, than they did for themselves. Rarely does it register. Indoctrination is powerful stuff.

Since becoming vegan, I've actually helped animals and bugs out. I've saved mice birds, even a cat or two who were stuck. I've noticed animals come closer to me now, although I full admit this may be a matter of perception and it may just be my interest in them. I feel sick when I see dead animals on the side of the road and driving by farms gives me an uncomfortable vibe. I spend more time speaking to my cat than most humans and while some may laugh, it helps. I worry about him, but I also realize, in keeping with my views, I must allow him to live free from as many human constraints as possible. I also must realize his predatory ways are instinctual and many times, a form of admiration for my love and care for him. 

Yesterday however; on a day when American consume more animal products than most, I had the vegan nightmare. I killed an animal while driving. While I realize there is nothing I could have done and in my current state, recovering from a hip replacement, slamming on the breaks may have actually caused me great suffering, I hurt. It's hard to understand, because while it's not my fault, that makes it tougher. Like sneaking in the house as a teenager, the less noise we try to make, the more we cause. I feel almost as if that is what happened. I'm so aware of my surroundings now, I thought it impossible, but there he was. A little chipmunk who darted out from the bushes, right into my tire. The instant I knew, my day was ruined, and it was. I do not care if it seems silly to others, but that ended the enjoyment of my day, and obviously the fact I'm writing now, it's still not done. I tried to enjoy my time, but I couldn't. Maybe the reason isn't the chipmunk, but knowing how much of my life I spent doing the same, by choice. Maybe that's why it hurts.

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