Today I was working with my kids and I took them outside to the playground. Now some might not seeing this as being a tough job, but when you're by yourself and you are responsible for the safety of eleven five-year-olds it's a little stressful. Keeping two eyes on that many little ones is not as simple as one may think. While the kids were playing there were other kids in the park and a few mom's and one nanny. The nanny was a very attractive young woman who seemed genuinely interested in the child she was in charge of. Much more than the three mothers whose kids were beating the hell out of each other nearby. So here's the first part of my misery of being my age. I have no concept of age anymore and it inhibits my ability to speak to anyone. Now, I'm not about to start hitting on nannies while I have kids under my watch, but my point is, if I had run into this woman another time, I'd be clueless. She could have been anywhere from 19-30. And there lies my second problem. What is an appropriate age range for me to seriously consider chatting up someone? I know women in their early twenties who are more interesting to talk to than women in their 50's and older, but I also know their is a maturity that really comes with age, which is important to me at times. That being said only relationship with someone older than me, somewhat made me realize maturity should never be assumed due to years put in on this voyage we call life.
People who know me from work or seeing me out on the weekends will probably be shocked to hear this, but I am painfully shy. I don't think I have asked someone out on an actual date, right from the start, since 6th grade. I get too nervous. Rejection is of course a factor, but I don't know how to go about the "getting to know" you phase and my cynical viewpoints aren't easily hidden in those types of situations. There lies problem three. I don't know how to do the single guy small talk thing. I don't care what someones work day was like, because I want to know about them and why they do what they do and how they got to where they are, not the trivial aspects of what woes they had that day. That is for down the road, when I actually care about every second of their day. I've never been good at starting relationships, but I was pretty good at making them last. Well, until I hit my late 30's. Now I have this bad habit of falling for people and feeling I'm their emotional savior, when my own emotional life is a topsy-turvy one.
This leads me to my final problem. I don't know what I want anymore. I am not in a financial position to "settle down" and to be honest, I like freedom. This is not to say I wouldn't love to have someone to share every wonderful moment with, but I don't know if I want the cookie cutter life that so many of us wish for. I know I'd be a great father, but I don't know if I'd be a great husband. I'm not one to stray, but I do tend to become stagnant. I like simplicity and sitting under a blanket with a bottle of wine and a movie is as good a date to me as going out with friends. I like being home with the person I care about, but to such an extent that I almost try not to associate with others as much and it's a huge negative. I, on my own admission, become a boring person to exist with. A kid would change all that, but I would be the dad who ignores his wife for their child. I would be the dad who wants to drive to every game or ballet class and sit and soak up every moment, then come home and crash at the end of the day and need some me time. As the years have gone by, I've gotten to know myself and I know my shortcomings are here to stay. It's a horrible thing to accept, but I know what I can change about myself and what I can't. What I am willing to change and what I am not.
I guess these seem like pretty silly things to complain about, because anyone reading them is probably saying to themselves that these are all fixable and if I want this kind of that kind of life I have to make concessions. If I want to know who something about someone, I need to ask. Throwing this up there on a blog isn't going to make anyone who reads it interested either, which is why it is good that about ten people read this. Like I said, this started almost as a little therapy session for free and I feel lately like I need it for that a little more than predicting hockey games. If my mother were alive, she'd read this and tell me to go up to the first attractive girl and introduce myself and ask her to lunch. I'd tell her she's right and then never do it. Then again, her not being here might have something to do with how I've changed and what I want is out of reach, because I don't want to feel that kind of loss again. Like I said, it's silly, but it's how I feel.
People who know me from work or seeing me out on the weekends will probably be shocked to hear this, but I am painfully shy. I don't think I have asked someone out on an actual date, right from the start, since 6th grade. I get too nervous. Rejection is of course a factor, but I don't know how to go about the "getting to know" you phase and my cynical viewpoints aren't easily hidden in those types of situations. There lies problem three. I don't know how to do the single guy small talk thing. I don't care what someones work day was like, because I want to know about them and why they do what they do and how they got to where they are, not the trivial aspects of what woes they had that day. That is for down the road, when I actually care about every second of their day. I've never been good at starting relationships, but I was pretty good at making them last. Well, until I hit my late 30's. Now I have this bad habit of falling for people and feeling I'm their emotional savior, when my own emotional life is a topsy-turvy one.
This leads me to my final problem. I don't know what I want anymore. I am not in a financial position to "settle down" and to be honest, I like freedom. This is not to say I wouldn't love to have someone to share every wonderful moment with, but I don't know if I want the cookie cutter life that so many of us wish for. I know I'd be a great father, but I don't know if I'd be a great husband. I'm not one to stray, but I do tend to become stagnant. I like simplicity and sitting under a blanket with a bottle of wine and a movie is as good a date to me as going out with friends. I like being home with the person I care about, but to such an extent that I almost try not to associate with others as much and it's a huge negative. I, on my own admission, become a boring person to exist with. A kid would change all that, but I would be the dad who ignores his wife for their child. I would be the dad who wants to drive to every game or ballet class and sit and soak up every moment, then come home and crash at the end of the day and need some me time. As the years have gone by, I've gotten to know myself and I know my shortcomings are here to stay. It's a horrible thing to accept, but I know what I can change about myself and what I can't. What I am willing to change and what I am not.
I guess these seem like pretty silly things to complain about, because anyone reading them is probably saying to themselves that these are all fixable and if I want this kind of that kind of life I have to make concessions. If I want to know who something about someone, I need to ask. Throwing this up there on a blog isn't going to make anyone who reads it interested either, which is why it is good that about ten people read this. Like I said, this started almost as a little therapy session for free and I feel lately like I need it for that a little more than predicting hockey games. If my mother were alive, she'd read this and tell me to go up to the first attractive girl and introduce myself and ask her to lunch. I'd tell her she's right and then never do it. Then again, her not being here might have something to do with how I've changed and what I want is out of reach, because I don't want to feel that kind of loss again. Like I said, it's silly, but it's how I feel.
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