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Envy

Envy is a dirty word.  It's one of the seven deadly sins, but is it always bad? Envy can be a motivational tool.  I wrote about my feelings about the Seven Deadly Sins years ago, but this is a new feelings.  I don't ever feel envious of anyone, because I know we all have our warts, it's just that so many of us choose to mask them, while I'm pretty open about mine.  I just feel it's better to be open with people about who you are, what you can offer and what you can't.  I know my good qualities and I'm more than aware of those people (not all) deem to be negative.  So why am I suddenly experiencing a feeling of envy.  Well it's difficult to explain, because it's the idea of something more than a specific example.  Cryptic crap, let me start again.

I recently met someone who is with someone else.  I found them very attractive and they possess two characteristics I find incredibly sexy.  They are tiny and they are incredibly intelligent.  Obviously the first one is simply a plus, but the first second one excites me just as much as any sexual or aesthetic trait.  They have their shit together and they have a goal.  Two things I am not close to having.  Here is where the envy came about.  While my "career" isn't anything in terms of importance compared to theirs, they praised my dedication, my desire and my passion doing something, even I feel is somewhat unimportant in the grand scheme of things.  Compared to their career, mine is laughable to be put in the same conversation.  That is not where my admiration stopped.  Little comments, expressing appreciation for my quick wit and my ability to include everyone in my conversations, even those who initially had nothing to add.

So is this envy?  I know I will never be with this individual and while their might be similar people, with similar traits out there, it dawned on me that the people who I make the biggest impression on are always those who I can never have.  I'm sure in a few weeks I won't think twice about this person or maybe I will.  There are those people who walk by our lives and leave their footprints in the wet cement of our grey matter.  I know it's best to move on mentally, but isn't life about wondering what if, while moving on and accepting that for whatever reason things are the way they are because of some unexplained plan?  Sure, I don't even believe that horse shit, but it makes it easier and isn't that why we hold beliefs, to make pain easier to understand? Yes? No?  I don't know either.

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