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Free Writing - Take 66

I've been making lists in my head lately and while it's something we all do, these have been so scattered. I've been thinking of songs I love that I haven't heard in ages. I've been thinking about people I've been meaning to reach out to privately, but fail to do so, because liking a silly picture is so much easier. Lists of things I'm dying to eat or books I need to read. I've been thinking about how my desire for knowledge has been waning, because I have nobody to share it with. Even my sports, the thing I spoke so often on Fridays through Mondays, is a thing of the past. I've been jotting down in my memory bank all of the people who I miss and all of those who I thought would miss me more. I think about the ever growing list of people who were constants who mean nothing to me anymore and I to them. I've been making lists of the things I did, each and every day, that I've not done in this, my 155th day away. I took a break from this, looked away and saw a picture of someone. Someone I have probably spoken to three, maybe four times in my life. A friend of a friend, but someone I may have known when she was younger. Now she's grown, probably 30? So beautiful and I remember the night I teased her, she teased back. I miss those things. Put that on my list. Teasing. I'm making lists of things that are driving me crazy, the most of all the repition. My personal hell is speaking and not being heard and repeating myself constantly, to the point where I start questioning if I'm making these things up. Tonight, I disclosed a list. A list of one thing, the one thing that hurts me more than anything. A nod, an verbal affirmation and not 3 minutes later, the actions that proved, it meant nothing. Christmas is coming and I don't have a list. I never have made a list. List of things I want. What a repulsive thing for a child to make, let alone an adult. We make lists all the time, but when the list become things we want? A bucket list of things we can't lay on our death bed proud of. Yes, that fucking diamond necklace looks beautiful, I hope everyone fights over it when I'm dead. Here's my Christmas list. Ask for what the guy whose birthday it is would ask for. Embrace that or is that concept too difficult. Maybe I should just stick to movies and songs. Anyone care to hear my favorites?

Comments

  1. Hop's ThoughtsDecember 5, 2014 at 4:20 AM

    My entire blog will one day be nothing but lists that are better than your lists. Favorite Composers? 1. Franz Liszt

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownDecember 8, 2014 at 12:32 PM

    Bring. It. On. Bich. Liszt? really. (derisive shake of the head)

    ReplyDelete

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