Tuesday, November 14, 2017

The Strangest Year

As the sun sets this evening, it will mark an end to most tumultuous year of my life. In the course of the past 365 days, I've experienced an emotional test few I know personally have had to deal with. Do not misunderstand. I am not looking for sympathy, as I at no time was ill. I did not face death or disease, so I consider my troubles self made. It's simply been a painful year, made easier by some, mostly those I'd never have thought would be the ones when the year started. And as IS becoming expected, the ones I thought would be there for me have all but disappeared.

I will not bore you with details. Not to be cryptic or for need of attention, but out of a need to protect my sanity. I don't feel like revisiting certain pains and I don't feel like looking backward. I'm in a better place. Far from what anyone I know on social media would call good, but a better place. I am secure in a home, at least for the next two month and that's not something I could say one year ago today. Essentially being homeless is a little different in this day of technology. I mean, who feels sorry for someone without a roof over their head, when they can log into Facebook? As if Facebook someone shelters you from the storm or gives you sustenance. If I did cry, those cries fell mostly on deaf ears.

The one thing sadness and solitude does is make you reflect and it's a painful journey. One I can not lie, test even those of us who view ourselves as strong. As someone who has always done for others, the prospect of truly needing was humbling experience. It still is. I've received help in the form of money, clothing, food and even one absolute surprise. A gift that allowed me to do something for someone else without the guilt, or shame, of them paying for it. I will forever be indebted to this fine young man. I just hope one day I can pay that forward, as I do not view him as the type to accept reciprocation.

This weekend, despite a joyous time, with laughs, love and incredible food, I had this date in the back of my head. Exhausted from a new job and some new stresses, I managed to block the ill thoughts. For the most part.

So tonight at sundown, I'll do my new evening routine. I'll come home, feed Swag, sip some bourbon to warm by bones and make some dinner. I'll be grateful, never thankful, but truly grateful for those rare few who have stood by me. I'll think of the friends I've lost to much greater struggles than I know personally. I'll thank my mother for being the reason I didn't go up. Says a lot when you don't want to let someone down who is no longer here. I'll thank my younger brother for being the older brother, despite it paining me to accept his help. I'll thank my friends who have been by my side physically and emotionally. I'll thank my cat, Swag and for those who chuckled, you have no idea how different this story would be without him. I'll thank all of you who have made me smile, laugh and maybe even cry. For the support and the kicks in the ass.

And at this time tomorrow, it'll be a new year. The old one will be a memory.

1 comment:

  1. Love that life is treating you better. I hope that things continue to improve for you and Swag. Really, I am happy for you. ~Deena

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