My niece turns 3 today! It's going to be a day of mixed emotions because this will be the third birthday I've missed, the third birthday, I can't really afford to do what I'd like, and the third birthday, I will spend wondering if she remembers me, other than from a photograph.
Since she was born, I've only had the chance to see her four times. My brother's family lives down south and their travels up here are few and far between and my travels anywhere have been nonexistent over the last four years. It breaks my heart to miss these years, because these are the best years. When I first got to see her, I wouldn't let her go. She fell asleep on my shoulder for two hours, while my sister-in-law got to eat a complete meal without getting up. My arms were heavy, my shoulder sweaty, but I wouldn't have traded that moment for any in my life. The next visit would come at Christmas, and then the next Christmas, a bitter time in my life, but a few hours of joy. This past Christmas was much better and a much happier time. I just wish I could do more for her, with gifts, but mostly with my time. I'd give up everything for her and her brother, my brother and his wife. They probably doubt that, but it's true.
Today, if I'm lucky, I'll get to talk to her on the phone. I haven't heard her voice since December. That wears on me, because it's my fault. I don't do skype and don't do well with weekly calls, but then again, neither do they. My mother would be ashamed of us all. I know she'd be upset I don't live closer. I know she'd live next door if she could.
She's three today and there's a good chance that the next time I see her she'll be closer to four than she is now. It hurts. It makes me feel like a failure as an uncle. I want so much for these kids and want to be part of their lives, as my family was for me. I don't speak to any of them anymore. Some have passed away and some faded. It's all of our faults, as families tend to turn on each other as adults. The glue of our family, my mother and her parents, were the main factors of this division. As I said, my mother would have assumed I'd become the glue, but I know deep down she knew that wasn't to be. I just want to be able to show my niece and nephew the love I have and the love my mother would have smothered them with.
Happy Birthday, Iliana! I love you!
Since she was born, I've only had the chance to see her four times. My brother's family lives down south and their travels up here are few and far between and my travels anywhere have been nonexistent over the last four years. It breaks my heart to miss these years, because these are the best years. When I first got to see her, I wouldn't let her go. She fell asleep on my shoulder for two hours, while my sister-in-law got to eat a complete meal without getting up. My arms were heavy, my shoulder sweaty, but I wouldn't have traded that moment for any in my life. The next visit would come at Christmas, and then the next Christmas, a bitter time in my life, but a few hours of joy. This past Christmas was much better and a much happier time. I just wish I could do more for her, with gifts, but mostly with my time. I'd give up everything for her and her brother, my brother and his wife. They probably doubt that, but it's true.
Today, if I'm lucky, I'll get to talk to her on the phone. I haven't heard her voice since December. That wears on me, because it's my fault. I don't do skype and don't do well with weekly calls, but then again, neither do they. My mother would be ashamed of us all. I know she'd be upset I don't live closer. I know she'd live next door if she could.
She's three today and there's a good chance that the next time I see her she'll be closer to four than she is now. It hurts. It makes me feel like a failure as an uncle. I want so much for these kids and want to be part of their lives, as my family was for me. I don't speak to any of them anymore. Some have passed away and some faded. It's all of our faults, as families tend to turn on each other as adults. The glue of our family, my mother and her parents, were the main factors of this division. As I said, my mother would have assumed I'd become the glue, but I know deep down she knew that wasn't to be. I just want to be able to show my niece and nephew the love I have and the love my mother would have smothered them with.
Happy Birthday, Iliana! I love you!
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