In a little less than 17 hours, I'll be 50. I'm about as excited as I was when I turned 43, 36, and 22. I refuse to call into cliches and catchphrases, but the actual milestone of being alive for five decades isn't something I really think about. My 40th birthday turned into a big party, and while unexpected, and very much appreciated, I went to work the following day and nothing much had changed. My 30th was highlighted by a chorus of singing children all throughout the day. My 20th was spent as a cornerman at a "foxy boxing" event. I guess there's some growth to be seen, but maybe I'll wait until after I'm officially 50 to reflect on that. Here are just some things I've thought about during the week leading up to my half-century milestone.
A good friend used to have a sign hung up in his camp cabin that said "Cleanliness IS Godliness." It took me about 15 years, but I now agree. Neatness is not my forte, but cleanliness, both personal and the simple care of that which I use, is. I find that cleanliness affords me much more time than those around me who neglect it. This leads to my second thought.
Efficiency is essential. Over the past five years, I've lived with multiple people and as I've grown, I'm amazed at how inefficient people are. Not a day goes by I don't marvel at how others take 10, 15, even twenty minutes to do what I do in two or three. No, I'm not talking about sex. The simple act of getting up, getting dressed, feeding the animal who depends on me, brushing my teeth, making coffee, etc. These things take me ten minutes, while I watch as someone else takes a half an hour, forty-five minutes, sometimes an hour, to do the same, leaving behind a mess, that will add on to the event later in the day, if they can muster the energy to clean up after themselves.
Animals will not only bring you joy, but an appreciation for life. Swag, the cat, who is my life, got me through the hardest time in my life. When I say hardest, it may be an exaggeration, but it was the worst thing I've ever had to endure without human contact. During this time, his mere presence was enough, but his ability to sense my need for affection or distance was uncanny. How could this tiny creature feel what I felt without me telling him? I do tell him. Something I once mocked others for doing, but again, growth. I now understand it and realize he understands me.
Turning vegan made me realize that all lives do matter. The thing is, until you prove that all lives matter, there's no use saying it. If you're a man and you don't view every woman as your equal, you're not a man. If you differentiate people's importance and value based on things they are genetically designed with, you're practicing speciesism, which is what vegetarians are doing when choosing they can not live without cheese, or a person saying they can give up beef and chicken, but not bacon. Choosing which aspects of animals and people's lives is more important means that all lives do not matter. Do I fall (fail) sometimes? Yes, but I'm aware of this failure and it gnaws at me. I'm not the activist I would have been in my younger years, because I'm aware my breath is wasted on so many, that what they put in their mouths is more a product of indoctrination than anything else they hold in their belief system.
Self-awareness is not a common ability. Social media, texting, reality television and everything in today's society have created a mental health crisis for so many. The constant struggle to be something in public that is accepted and valued is internally killing people. It is causing a rift between reality and desire and is so powerful that it creates a conflict within. I know more people with self-diagnosed depression and anxiety, who are really just struggling to be something they aren't. We hear people call themselves introverts simply because they're not very nice people and others don't want to be with them. We see people call themselves extroverts, because they cause a scene when in reality, they're introverts so desperately in need of attention. We see social activism that appears genuine, but for many, it's simply an easy way to be part of something bigger, even if the cause is not something that deeply affects them. I like to think that my younger years were spent trying to be the funny person and I achieved this, often at my own expense. My30s and early 40s saw me desperately trying to make up for my lack of a degree and trying to prove that I was as intelligent, if not more, than most. I have a lot of lost and strained friendships because of this. I also know the years have softened me. I look back on my life with regret in how I handled a lot of conflict, but also realize how I handled those things got me to where I am now. For better or for worse.
I realize that love, in every form, is never unconditional. We're just not wired that way. Sure, a baby's love is said to be so, but it's need for food, attention, and safety is physiological. I feel love is overused, both as a word and as an emotion. I know I've said it when I didn't mean it and felt it when it wasn't there. I've also ignored it more often than I've acknowledged it I'm still learning.
If I live the life my grandmother lived, I'm at the halfway point. I don't wish this to be true, but I would like to see where my world is in ten or twenty years, maybe even thirty. I'd like to see my niece and nephew grow up and I'd never want to leave Swag to another's care, because I know nobody could ever understand him as I do. I truly hope my future is easier than my past. I often wonder what happened when I look at my struggle compared to other people's lives. That being said, when little pieces of my life play out and I come to the realization as to why I hold myself accountable. I'm "only" 50, but if there is anything I wish to be remembered for it's that I always held myself accountable. It didn't always happen, in the moment, during my youth, but I'd like to think I've owned my failures and learned from them. I'd like tot to think I am the person people know they can trust, because I'll always do what I think is right, but acknowledge when I'm wrong.
For all of those who have been part of this process, whether we speak or not, I sincerely thank you. I'm a better person today than I was yesterday. I sincerely believe this to be true and much of it I owe to you.
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