The Tough Guy Reputation

Recently, I've seen another wave of "friends" leaving me, while I've also lost my desire to continue to call some others the word. I've reached a point, where I find myself in a personal struggle to defend their bigotry or misogyny as them simply being funny. It's not funny. It's also, not just come to me, but made me very aware, that my own condemnation of some while giving others a free pass, is the very root of our system's failure. 

A few months ago, I was talking to someone who told me how smart they were. They were having issues with some work they were doing and exclaimed "And I'm really fucking smart.  I wonder how dumb people are handling this." It immediately struck me that this kind of comment not only is all too common, but usually contradicts reality. I immediately thought of the Dunning-Kruger study where people of low intelligence have a much greater view of their own intellect, while people with high IQs tend to downplay theirs. I thought about all the little things this person says and does which negate the overall image of intelligence, despite whatever grades they may get. I also thought about a good number of teachers I grew up with and some I went to school with years later, who weren't only on the lower half of the intelligence scale, but near the bottom. A few weeks ago, I realized this also goes for the tough-guy persona. Not there's a correlation, but I realized they do have one very distinct similarities.

Those who are, don't have to proclaim it. 

I turned 50 this week and it dawned on me that I've never had to tell someone I'm this smart or this tough. I've never had to prove myself by screaming it at someone. I also realized, I no longer live near the people I've known the longest, so I have no reputation. I'm also 50, so pounding my chest about things I did in my teens and 20s or bragging about some grade is silly. Could I beat up someone today? Who knows? Do I remember school stuff to the extent I could get a 4.0GPA? Absolutely not. I definitely don't have the patience to do so, but I don't have to. I'm self-aware. 

A funny thing happened last night and I say funny, because people who have only known me briefly saw a different side of me. They saw the side of me from my younger days. Thankfully this was coupled with the fact I'm old enough to know better. I was frustrated, but also wanted to make a point about society ignoring the obvious fact that people are dying from this pandemic we're calling Corona. Immediately, my old town's resident drunk and self-proclaimed tough guy called me our and basically challenged my manhood. I wrote something, much less clever and much less biting than need be, then unfriended him. But this is really where the story begins.

I have known for a long time that this guy's reputation is built on nothing more than his own stories. At his very own 40th birthday party, lifelong friends of his were telling me about his antics and how if it weren't for the large groups he rolled with, he'd probably had never been in a single fight with anyone but a teenage girl. Something I found out later, was his MO. It also dawned on me that while never conveying intellectual dominance, he was one to claim everyone else was wrong and he was right. Using schoolyard bullying tactics on social media and before that, in bars, which only worked because the same people who mocked him privately loved the theatrics so much, they defended and praised him, much like they did back in the old drinking and fighting days. 

Please realize. I'm no saint. I've been in more fights than anyone could ever imagine. I say this with no bravado and no exaggeration. Literally, nobody could possibly imagine how many actual fights I've been in. The difference is, I got into most of these alone, often defending someone being picked on, a girl being assaulted or, at times, simply because I was a dumbass kid. I'd be lying if I said I've completely grown up, but this idea I need to prove anything, let alone exclaim it, is silly. I'm confident in my abilities to handle myself in a conversation and I'm much to old to worry about how tough I was in 1993. The problem is, society isn't and this is where it ties into the systemic problem I've been ranting and raving about here and there.

White kids, who weren't very smart, weren't very tough, whose reputations grew based on their own propaganda, actually believe what they say now. For so many years, they've been laughed at privately and built up publicly that these guys who have never been in a fight with less than five-to-one odds actually believe they are dominant. Look back at the Civil Rights marches and you see the same odds by the so-called dominant race. Anyone can be dominant when the odds are stacked in their favor. What will always make me scratch my head in wonder is how someone who has everything they have because of a woman, can be a misogynist. How someone who never did very well in school and was more of a class clown later in life, believes it's their intellect that people respect. How someone who is racist, can be taken seriously when they defend the police, or on the flip side, anyone who declares their hatred for police, can be taken seriously when defending any other group. How does this evolve and where does it come from. Then last night it struck me.

The guy who felt the need to call out my manhood, despite having a self-built reputation of toughness, tells people how smart he is, and treats women and anyone not like him as if they're sub-human, is a direct reflection of our president, who in turn, is a direct reflection on the ignorant majority that is White America. An entire demographic of people made up mostly of people who highly exaggerate their own self-worth. These people have been given opportunities, loans, and often actually handed jobs for which they are immediately deemed a success, without ever having to work for it. The problem being, they have spent their entire lives promoting themselves in a fashion they not only feel they've earned everything they have, but are entitled to it. Of course, they're the first people to rant and rave about participation trophies, especially when ones who don't share their demographic are awarded such things.

This will come across as me being angry and an attack on an individual, but trust me, it's more of venting about the single biggest societal problem we face. We need to stop allowing grown white men to live off some insane reputation of toughness and intellect, created by bullying the disenfranchised or women and call it success. We need, metaphorically, of course, to take them down a few notches. This 50-year-old isn't going to be the one that does it, but my realization that people like this can no longer be friends, if I'm to be the man I want to be, is my first step. I realize, the only thing giving these types power is the crowd. I'm one voice, but my way of combatting it is to no longer give them a platform. We'll see if it hurts them or hurts me. I tend to think the latter is more likely, but the minority needs to stick closer together. We've been fighting the mob for a long time and they've never won the fight, but enough of them keep saying they did, so the appearance is, they're winning the war.