Hop's Thoughts

Very rarely, do I write from my phone. Then again, today, or should I say yesterday, wasn't your typical day. I've been certain things for certain people, but not on this day. I was not the person one turned to, the one who shared a mutual admiration with. I was not the older brother, the funny one, the first to know. I was nothing, to anyone and as I stood at the base of a semi-frozen waterfall, I realized my insignificance. I realize that this one would move on and that one would simply find someone else to share with. I realized I'm not the pillar of strength, the guide or the one with sage advice. I left the crashing sounds of the water, emerged onto the street and as I hobbled home, even the thoughts of home wore me down. I stepped slowly, wishing to dash, but physically hindered. I cake across across a schoolyard, laughter bellowing, then turned and walked. The only thoughts, about how all that I want is slowly becoming as realistic as stopping that water from rushing...

I, Frankenstein - Better than anticipated and Yvonne Strahovski Room 237 - Silly, aside from the obvious observations - war, genocide, labyrinth The Outlaw (Korean) - Garbled mess with some worth ideas, but fails on each. Deliver Us From Evil - Great lead up to a disappointing final 20 minutes Ida - The best movie of the year, if not the last few Venom - Awful horror with a good cast Barricade - Will from Will & Grace sucks in this supernatural nightmare. Calvary - Incredible film by the people who made The Guard Samurai Rebellion - Mifune. Slow start, but wow what a finish. H.H. Holmes: America's First Serial Killer - Documentary - Crap! Neverlake - Extraordinary take on Frankenstein. Blood Valley: Seed's Revenge - One of the worst movies ever made. Knuckle - Documentary about Pikey clans and their ongoing feud. Good, but sad. Only Lovers Left Alive - Jarmusch delivers the 3rd greatest vampire movie ever made. Fright Night (1985) - Re-watched. Sans Chris Sa...

This blog has all but died. I still use it to keep track of movies, but that's about it. I've stopped the rants, stopped the open heart messages and stopped the insights, whether they were right or wrong. I'd like to start a new one, with a theme I stick to and maybe make some money doing it, but there is so little out there that isn't covered ad nauseam. 2015 was a horrid year for me and I don't believe tomorrow is a great rebirth. While I will always remember this year as one of the worst in my life, I did get a cat, who is my best friend. Who senses my pain and my pleasure. I "met" a friend, who gets me too. Quite possibly, on a level not to many have. While my chance at anything romantic with her isn't in the cards, a little piece of me will hold out hope, maybe for a day, maybe forever. Who knows? She tells me we don't know about the future, but I know, based on my past, we'll fade, our friendship and I'll be left with memories of so...

Had thought of writing about the two people in my life right now, but can't find any words that work. A narcissistic follower and a subservient leader, their ironic existence is the yin and yang to my own. One whose mundane routines fill me with anxiety and hate, while the other, whose schedule fluctuations, create pockets of unexpected happiness, that last just long enough to be ruined, by the cold kitchen floor; a shocking reminder, to never take for granted anything you have, because the tiniest things, seem so large, when they are gone.

Feels like months since I've written here. A 3am run to the bathroom and the need to stay connected. Out from under warm sheets, tiptoe across the floor, turning back to see the tiniest bits of light reflecting in the cat's eyes. Come back, sip the now cold coffee and find out a singer is dead. Feels like I just shut off Amy and there's another tragedy. Thoughts rewind, fast forward and pause. Shooting, climate, war, babies, animals, life and death. Scroll the feed and traffic and work complaints. Hundreds of thousands, checking in dumpsters for meals, yet twenty minutes in a warm waiting room deserves our sympathy? I smile, not at the thought of poverty or anguish, but that tiny ray starts to shine. "Did you just call me an asshole?" I giggle now, like I did earlier. It'll never happen the way I imagine it, because I know my life...the hug, squeeze turning into something more, will never exist. Walking back from that cold bathroom floor, back into bed, wrappi...

With one month left, I finally surpassed the 300 movies mark (a few shorts, but also a few series and/or seasons of shows thrown in. The good outweighed the bad this month, but the real gem was Ordet. One could argue it's place as one of the greatest movies of all-time and when I say argue, whether it's number one or not. The Bicycle Thief - After all these years, I finally see it and I'm left baffled by its praise. Mommy - Xavier Dolan's unflinching look at so much more than just a mom and her son.  We Are Still Here - Silly horror film, with goofy ghost, ruins solid atmosphere. The Gift - A complete train wreck from start to finish, which is surprising with the stellar cast. Point Blank - Exciting, frenetic-paced French thriller that is rich as it is fun.  Le Havre - Kaurismaki's simple, nearly perfect tale of a lovable loser's altruism.  Ordet - Awe! The only word to describe my feeling. Emotions will run. Dreyer masterpiece. The Gallows - Possibly ...

It's rumored to be at first sight, but I've never believed in that. Some say it's who you think of before you sleep or is it when you wake? Sometimes it's unconditional and other times it is built over time. We say it too soon and too often and it has lost its meaning for many. So what is this feeling I'm having, when none of the signs are there? It's not physical, it's not instantaneous, it's not built over years or developed, because of anything other than care. It's a feeling that I can't explain, because there is no explanation and no reason. I just know that I want to say two words, not three, every single night and there's an emptiness that's filled and at the same time enlarged, each and every day. So I wonder, what is it?