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Despair

I've normally been so open about myself on here.  The last three nights, I've written blogs and erased them.  I've been so down lately, that I don't know if I really want people knowing all the minute details of my life.  When things are good, it's funny to bitch and moan, to point out the atrocities of life and to try to offend.  When things are rough, I can use this to vent and give myself a little dose of self therapy.  It usually helps.  These days things are dire.  I try to keep up a good front, but I'm scared about things for the first time in my life.  I'm flat broke, work (part-time) doesn't start up for another two weeks and I don't get paid until sometime early November.  I broke a deal, inadvertently with the IRS, so my first paycheck, which is usually pretty nice for what I do, is gone.  For the first time since I was a stupid 21 year old getting myself in trouble, I've had to borrow money.  It's embarrassing.

I've turned my attention to bitching and moaning about politics and religion, while at the same time building frustration about my work situation.  I'm scouring online adds, but the job situation sucks.  I don't want a job, I want a career.  I've always been the one, to do something silly to pay the bills, so I can do the things I like for a side gig.  I've worked with kids now for fifteen years now and I don't want to stop.  I want that to be my full-time job, but when the school thing stopped, the reality of being a teacher ended. I can't afford to go back now, but maybe I have to?  I just found out, I've horribly misread my student loan bills over the last couple of years and it threw me for a loop.  I basically owe double what I thought I owe and if I pay off the suggested amount, that scary number doubles.  Basically in my head I had it at about $35-40 when all is said and done, but the real number is closer to $100k.  That's with no degree mind you!  Can I afford to add to this and put myself into further debt?  I don't think my life starting over at 45, can handle that.

I keep thinking about where things went wrong.  I don't blame, but damn when I hear others complain it angers me, when I hear of their so-called woes.  Some of them are sickening.  I think about what I like now and what I'd like to do.  I like to cook, but I'm not nearly as good as I'd like to be and have way to many bad traits and ADD moments to be able to follow a recipe day in and day out.  I love to write, but I'm not good enough at it to get a job doing it and I don't have the backing to hunker down in a cabin in the woods to fulfill my days to it, all the while writing my masterpiece.  Yes, I have the time, but the stress doesn't allow the creative juices to flow as I like. I like kids and love working with them, but even I feel my body breaking down halfway through the season and have to give myself pep talks.  We used to call this the six-week slump in PCB.  Don't ask...it's not important.

I'd love to be a stay at home dad and that's not a knock on any parent that stays home. I am not saying it's easy, but damn it would be great.  To get to spend time with the people you love all day, would be a dream come true. I first need the wife and then the kids. I'm a lifetime away I believe.  I look at older people who are alone.  I fear that now like I've never feared it before.  I think about how alone I feel some nights here, sitting in the dark, typing away.  I think about it when I sit down to a home cooked meal with nobody to share it with.  I feel it especially when the breath of someone next to me, isn't the comfort that allows me to drift into a slumber. I feel it in the morning, especially in the winter, as I finish my coffee and crawl back into bed, with nothing to warm me.  I feel it a lot.

I keep telling myself things will get better.  That moment will come along, when everything shifts back to normal.  The problem is, normal was never that great to begin with. Normal was getting by and having all the things I now lack, on occasion.  Normal was arguing and struggling to get by.  Normally was being surrounded by pain and suffering.  I want better than normal. I don't want great.  I want comfort.  I don't want a big house with a yard. A fancy car.  A golf membership.  I want to be able to wake up on a Sunday, having my greatest stress be, whether to stay in bed and not worry about waking her or heading to the kitchen to make her breakfast.  That, simply enough, is all I want in life.



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