Asleep a little after 12. Awake at 2 and now it's 4. Perusing the media outlets that contain friends and strangers. Regrets and possibilities stare at me. Wish I could go back and take that walk and change the course of personal history. Wish I could get that one break that would propel my dimly lit future. I see potential partners everywhere, both romantic and business, but it never comes together. My mind is both 25 and 65, as I approach 45. My body is 85, getting older by the day.
I lay, thinking about my last few hours, of which I have 32. There will be a wonderful meal, shared with my father and some friends. My brother, his wife and the dog will be absent. I miss them. I show my emotions to no-one anymore. Years of pain have taught me that nobody cares for the tears of this clown. My face is covered with grotesque slots and marks, medicines seem ineffective and the stress is tearing at me. I need to be able to look people in the eye. A potential boss or maybe a date, but my confidence, once grandiose, is weak, even shattered in ways. I stay afloat. Kicking, flailing, like a child thrown into the lake, paddling to survive.
I see a smile on the face of a friend and know I put it there. Their pain, momentarily eclipsed by a silly joke or a compliment. I push them over some invisible hurdle, lifting them upon my shoulders, my weakening knees shake, but I hold still. I reach for their hand to assist me, but they're gone. Moved on to some other life event. I believe they said thank you, I couldn't hear, as their back was turned. I sit facing the few true friends, sip my beer, my wine, my soup. I laugh and they laugh with me. They hand me some bread. It crunches and the crumbs fall on my chest. For minutes, I forget, lose myself in a meal, a story, a joke.
It's 4am and I've been here before. In 12 hours I'll be sipping a drink. In 24, I'll be back here thinking, in 36 I'll be on a bus, rolling towards my personal hell. In 48, I'll be alone, hoping for 60, when those who don't know better look up to me for support, guidance and to make them laugh. In 72, I'll be back to my solemn routine, thinking, as I am now, about regrets, missed opportunities and the once shining future. Maybe it's as simple as changing the batteries, but do I have enough to buy them and will I know where to shine that light?
I lay, thinking about my last few hours, of which I have 32. There will be a wonderful meal, shared with my father and some friends. My brother, his wife and the dog will be absent. I miss them. I show my emotions to no-one anymore. Years of pain have taught me that nobody cares for the tears of this clown. My face is covered with grotesque slots and marks, medicines seem ineffective and the stress is tearing at me. I need to be able to look people in the eye. A potential boss or maybe a date, but my confidence, once grandiose, is weak, even shattered in ways. I stay afloat. Kicking, flailing, like a child thrown into the lake, paddling to survive.
I see a smile on the face of a friend and know I put it there. Their pain, momentarily eclipsed by a silly joke or a compliment. I push them over some invisible hurdle, lifting them upon my shoulders, my weakening knees shake, but I hold still. I reach for their hand to assist me, but they're gone. Moved on to some other life event. I believe they said thank you, I couldn't hear, as their back was turned. I sit facing the few true friends, sip my beer, my wine, my soup. I laugh and they laugh with me. They hand me some bread. It crunches and the crumbs fall on my chest. For minutes, I forget, lose myself in a meal, a story, a joke.
It's 4am and I've been here before. In 12 hours I'll be sipping a drink. In 24, I'll be back here thinking, in 36 I'll be on a bus, rolling towards my personal hell. In 48, I'll be alone, hoping for 60, when those who don't know better look up to me for support, guidance and to make them laugh. In 72, I'll be back to my solemn routine, thinking, as I am now, about regrets, missed opportunities and the once shining future. Maybe it's as simple as changing the batteries, but do I have enough to buy them and will I know where to shine that light?
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