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Sharing Feelings

Ever get to the point where it becomes crystal clear that you can no longer have faith to confide in those you once did? It's not that it comes as a devastatingly jarring blow to you, but you wake up a bit. You realize the people you've known the longest aren't the easiest people to confide in, because of various reasons, the main being, they simply don't feel your problems are as important as theirs.

In recent months I've reached out to people with subtle remarks about my situation and after an initial comment that appeared to be heartfelt, I realized 40 minutes later that 90 percent of the conversation was about them. I've noticed this trend over and over with those I considered to be close, but have noticed even more that those I'm not as close with are there with a shoulder and open ears, more importantly open minds.

One thing that is getting to me, when speaking to those I know, is that when I make a statement about my woes, instead of picking me up, making me laugh or giving solid advice, it is treated as a competition. I have told people about something that has bothered me and they have actually come back with comments telling me I shouldn't complain and then compared their aches and pains to mine. What people often forget about me is I basically don't have knees. I haven't for 18 years and the pain I feel on a daily basis would destroy most people's lives. I rarely, if ever mention it. I've not played a sport in a decade and for those of you who knows me before, this was my life. Basketball in the park, in rented gyms, jogging here and there. Football on the weekends and softball in the evenings. Up until my mid 20's, sports were my life. Even after my injuries and well into my 30's I hobbled around, the level of play deteriorating with every month, but the joy still there. Until one day, I simply lost all stability in my knees. The thought of the injuries I could sustain became too scary and that was that. Sports were no longer a part of my life.

Recently, I've been in contact with old friends, who'd drifted a part and even some strangers I've me through this fascinating network of social media. Even if they don't know all the woes, there is a sincerity, even when captured within 140 characters, that is so much more genuine than those I know. I've changed how I use Facebook and use it more for elongated text messages than for communication publicly. Sure, I post things to make others laugh and think, but those are usually treated as a joke and I normally delete them now.

Recently, I had a stranger tell me to embrace my inability and focus what I can do. They suggested I pay a little more attention to what I am good at and cease and desist this very medium. They told me I should can the blog or keep it for the silliness, like movie mentions and lists and to try and concentrate on my writing, but pay much better attention to the errors I'm making both grammar and common pitfalls of crappy writers. They've also told me to stop listening to everyone who reaches for a banana instead of a Cadbury and thinks they've found enlightenment. I laughed, because the statement resonated with how I feel about the world. The self-help world, where everyone knows the magic cure, because it worked for them, when the reality is, it's a crutch.

I have friends in pain, both physical and mental and I try and reach out, but it's not always accepted or appreciated it. Some friends, who I actually had become close with are no longer that way, because of an opinion, joke or my refusal to correlate their bad day at work with malaria. So this is a knock on some and a sincere thank you to others, but mainly, it's me trying to be me, but not giving some others my time. So many memes about how we only live one life and I have spent more time recently listening to someone comparing their bruise to my inability to walk. I don't know if they have a meme to tell people you don't need their comparisons any longer. And for those who want to turn their noses up and say "Walk a mile in my shoes," I have but one thing to say; I would, if I could walk.


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