I've been up at least an hour. That's not to say I didn't sleep, but the Sun and I don't seem to mesh well as of late. My friend Swag, who has been quite the cuddle bud lately, decided to go sleep in the kitchen. Maybe it's me, but more than likely, he's as thrown off as I am. The children are back, and for the first time in nearly three months, my weekends have not been my own. The stress of this was not something I expected, but the peaceful moments, especially in the early morning are something I will miss. Will I be here come next spring or summer, when the house is mine? I tend to think not, but then again, I have thought many things about my location in life and I've been wrong every time. Every time, since 2004. Not a single time was I correct. An odd thing for someone who strives to be "correct" as much as possible.
There's a new stress in my life, but quite possibly a good stress. I'll keep it under wraps for now, because I have reservations and I also have fears. Stress is something we all deal with, but I've never felt it as I do the last few years. Physical pain, trouble getting comfortable, irritability to the point where attention to even the most everyday things, falls by the wayside. No, apparently it's not depression, because despite having no reason to feel this way, my sense of self worth hasn't faded. Despite being very little to very few, I still feel my life offers others things they wouldn't normally have.. Conceited, egotistical, narcissistic? I do not feel that way, because I do not view myself as better. I view my strengths as positives and my weaknesses negatives and I'm acutely aware of which are which. A talk with a doctor, the medical kind, suggested medicine, but also suggested it would be more for peace of mind, but my fears, fears he confirmed to be real, is that with that peace, I'd lose a piece.
There's no shame in being down, but there's shame in being down for too long. I've been down for a long time, much of the reason hidden by my absence from those who claim to know me. It has dawned on me, many times over the past forty months, that those who were closest to me, never really knew me. My so-called best friends still think I care what others think about me, when the reality is, I care more what people think about themselves. I do not mean this wholly as a positive thing. I do find most people have a much more elevated view of their importance in the world, as if their simple being keeps the Earth on its axis. I post things on social media and there are times when they believe the light has shined on them, but really, it's the darkness within them being revealed. Not that they are evil, demonic or even bad, but that they are merely no different than anyone. Isn't that the greatest fear in life? To be average.
An average existence is what I've lead the last forty months. That's not true. Things have happened that are far from average. They are much worse than average. Much, much worse, but I don't hide it and yet, people think certain things. My opinions are hated, but so were a great many people who thought about others first. Maybe, just maybe, that was my mini epiphany this weekend. That all those who hate my opinions, many who claim to hate me as a person for them, aren't so much angered by me, but that I want so much, so very much, for those who are not me, but also, are not them. That is where their hurt, their anger, even rage comes from. That I've chosen others to care for, strangers even, over those who despise me, yet call me friend.
So today will come and go. The sun will rise soon and set soon after. I'll annoy someone by pointing out I'm not like them, don't think like them and at the end of the darkened day, care more about people who aren't them. They will simmer in their own fears of inadequacies and the thought they are superior and tell others of my rhetoric. This is the funny thing about those who view themselves as superior. They're usually, just a small group of average people, who are so angry with that simple fact, they've convinced themselves that is the supreme way to live. It's called cognitive dissonance, but that's another topic, personal to me, altogether. Getting back to this scattered thread, I will return to the beginning. The last ten weeks, I've had myself to entertain. My cat. He's suffering now, with an itch and I'm trying to relieve it Those who are now around me, get my attention, more than he. More than me. A hug here and there. A laugh. Cleaning dishes for others, folding laundry, making life easier, never looking for or receiving thanks. My own anxieties increasing as I await something to happen for me. Make it happen, people will say. Yes, I am, but I have others to help before that. No, not you. You're superior, remember. You don't need my help. Simply tell me I'm wrong, I'm a waste, to shut up, to go to hell, to die, to disappear. Wow, you sure do spend a lot of time thinking about me, day in and day out. Oddly, it took until this odd Sunday morning for me to even recognize you. Enjoy that power I've given you. It won't be there tomorrow. I have strangers who may need me.
There's a new stress in my life, but quite possibly a good stress. I'll keep it under wraps for now, because I have reservations and I also have fears. Stress is something we all deal with, but I've never felt it as I do the last few years. Physical pain, trouble getting comfortable, irritability to the point where attention to even the most everyday things, falls by the wayside. No, apparently it's not depression, because despite having no reason to feel this way, my sense of self worth hasn't faded. Despite being very little to very few, I still feel my life offers others things they wouldn't normally have.. Conceited, egotistical, narcissistic? I do not feel that way, because I do not view myself as better. I view my strengths as positives and my weaknesses negatives and I'm acutely aware of which are which. A talk with a doctor, the medical kind, suggested medicine, but also suggested it would be more for peace of mind, but my fears, fears he confirmed to be real, is that with that peace, I'd lose a piece.
There's no shame in being down, but there's shame in being down for too long. I've been down for a long time, much of the reason hidden by my absence from those who claim to know me. It has dawned on me, many times over the past forty months, that those who were closest to me, never really knew me. My so-called best friends still think I care what others think about me, when the reality is, I care more what people think about themselves. I do not mean this wholly as a positive thing. I do find most people have a much more elevated view of their importance in the world, as if their simple being keeps the Earth on its axis. I post things on social media and there are times when they believe the light has shined on them, but really, it's the darkness within them being revealed. Not that they are evil, demonic or even bad, but that they are merely no different than anyone. Isn't that the greatest fear in life? To be average.
An average existence is what I've lead the last forty months. That's not true. Things have happened that are far from average. They are much worse than average. Much, much worse, but I don't hide it and yet, people think certain things. My opinions are hated, but so were a great many people who thought about others first. Maybe, just maybe, that was my mini epiphany this weekend. That all those who hate my opinions, many who claim to hate me as a person for them, aren't so much angered by me, but that I want so much, so very much, for those who are not me, but also, are not them. That is where their hurt, their anger, even rage comes from. That I've chosen others to care for, strangers even, over those who despise me, yet call me friend.
So today will come and go. The sun will rise soon and set soon after. I'll annoy someone by pointing out I'm not like them, don't think like them and at the end of the darkened day, care more about people who aren't them. They will simmer in their own fears of inadequacies and the thought they are superior and tell others of my rhetoric. This is the funny thing about those who view themselves as superior. They're usually, just a small group of average people, who are so angry with that simple fact, they've convinced themselves that is the supreme way to live. It's called cognitive dissonance, but that's another topic, personal to me, altogether. Getting back to this scattered thread, I will return to the beginning. The last ten weeks, I've had myself to entertain. My cat. He's suffering now, with an itch and I'm trying to relieve it Those who are now around me, get my attention, more than he. More than me. A hug here and there. A laugh. Cleaning dishes for others, folding laundry, making life easier, never looking for or receiving thanks. My own anxieties increasing as I await something to happen for me. Make it happen, people will say. Yes, I am, but I have others to help before that. No, not you. You're superior, remember. You don't need my help. Simply tell me I'm wrong, I'm a waste, to shut up, to go to hell, to die, to disappear. Wow, you sure do spend a lot of time thinking about me, day in and day out. Oddly, it took until this odd Sunday morning for me to even recognize you. Enjoy that power I've given you. It won't be there tomorrow. I have strangers who may need me.
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