Yes, it's true, some of us good guys immediately think of our mothers and sisters first. Maybe our wives and our daughters. Maybe simply friends.There is nothing wrong with that, but it works a lot better when you simply think of women as fellow human beings. Try it.
I've seen the use of homosexuality used to explain it. Put yourself in the position of "How would you react if a someone of the same sex expected sex, because they bought you dinner, something nice or they were simply with you at the end of the night and wanted you?" That too works, in a sense.
I've seen half jokes about not saying anything to a woman you wouldn't want said to you in prison. Once again feeding of homophobia, as if it that were OK. I've seen every argument other than try to be better. Own your faults. Apologize for your behaviors, especially when drunk. Explain your feelings and realize that when your fantasies become expectations, you've already crossed a line. Work on it. Get therapy. Talk it out. Understand that 99% of the women you meet do not want to have a sexual relationship with you, even if they are attracted to you. There is in fact, more to it than that.
This brings me to the next part. To the part where the title derives. The Friend Zone. It's one of the more grotesque phrases in our society. Those who use it, use it with a laugh, a smirk or even anger, explaining a relationship with someone that is suddenly tainted, lessened, or even ruined, because one man feels he will never attain that thing he is entitled too. It's gross.
Let's go back. Imagine if I said "Your mom is so sweet, but she friend zoned me." Imagine if I said that about your wife, sister or daughter. You'd probably have me picking up my teeth, so why is it OK to say to anyone else? I have a friend who I longed for sexually for years, maybe even a decade. We joke about our non-physical relationship and you know what. We're best friends. There is no zone, we're friends. I accepted that. Is she still beautiful? Is she still sexy? Is she still desirable? Yes, but it's called being a normal human being, accepting that the physical attraction won't ever happen and the reasons, while many, don't actually matter. Have I slept with friends? Yes, but it didn't break some silly zone and didn't change our friendship, nor did it make it stronger. So what zone was there to begin with? Has sex ruined friendships? Yes that's happened too, but it wasn't because of some mythical zone. It was because it didn't work for numerous reason, the least of which is sex. And then there are the hundreds of women I've not slept with, despite being attracted to, because when I showed interest, they,in a multitude of ways, let me know they weren't viewing us as a sexual thing. You know how I took that? Like a normal human being. I held nothing against them and depending on how openly I let my feelings know, they normally responded as openly and we moved on. Not weaker, nor stronger, nor being placed in some zone. We were friends, continued to be friends and I no longer made advances and that was that.
Here's the thing about sex. It's special. Whether it's with someone for the first time or last, someone you love or a total stranger, someone you're friends with or someone you're dating, or even married to, it's special. It's special, because sex, for all the wonders of the physical aspect, is letting down each other's guard and feeling a sense of security with someone else. Letting someone see you at your most physically and for many, emotionally vulnerable. This and this is important. This, is why rape, sexual assault and even sexual harassment is so painful for people, especially the women we've been seeing, so brave and courageously opening up one social media. Imagine being at work and being expected to hear the things you hear in a bedroom. Imagine someone saying they wanted to do something, that you only do with someone you trust. A trust that took years possibly to gain. Imagine now having those things actually done to you. Imagine living that and now imagine reliving that. Imagine hearing someone use the term friend zone, knowing that they had expectations of doing to you what they wanted, whether you were accepting of such things, when you never even thought of them that way.
Are you starting to see the problem. You can imagine these things being done to people you care about, if it makes it easier for you to grasp. You can use slogans for the reason why people don't want you sexually, if the fear of being emasculated is so frightening. You can ignore other's feelings, figuring there must be something wrong with them for rejecting you, but here's what you can't do. You can't rape, sexually assault or harass them. You can take them out and expect nothing. You can be rejected and accept it. You can compliment someone, when it's appropriate, but be thoughtful and make it personal, not out on a busy sidewalk street. If it's someone you know, don't assume you can say something, because there is a level of friendship and most importantly. Respect that friendship for what it is. Two human beings who share something special. That's what a friendship is. There are no zones. There are two people. Two people with feelings and emotions, who connected in a way that they became friends. I'd like to say for most that's enough for normal human beings. #MeToo has proven me wrong.
Imagine if #MeToo was meant for every guy to honestly claim they respect women and would never rape, assault or harass them? Imagine if it was to raise awareness that we, as a gender, respect and care about women as much as our own fantasies, desires and what we feel we deserve? Now, imagine all your male friends and family. Imagine how few would be able to post those two words and have others say "I believe you." Get it?
I've seen the use of homosexuality used to explain it. Put yourself in the position of "How would you react if a someone of the same sex expected sex, because they bought you dinner, something nice or they were simply with you at the end of the night and wanted you?" That too works, in a sense.
I've seen half jokes about not saying anything to a woman you wouldn't want said to you in prison. Once again feeding of homophobia, as if it that were OK. I've seen every argument other than try to be better. Own your faults. Apologize for your behaviors, especially when drunk. Explain your feelings and realize that when your fantasies become expectations, you've already crossed a line. Work on it. Get therapy. Talk it out. Understand that 99% of the women you meet do not want to have a sexual relationship with you, even if they are attracted to you. There is in fact, more to it than that.
This brings me to the next part. To the part where the title derives. The Friend Zone. It's one of the more grotesque phrases in our society. Those who use it, use it with a laugh, a smirk or even anger, explaining a relationship with someone that is suddenly tainted, lessened, or even ruined, because one man feels he will never attain that thing he is entitled too. It's gross.
Let's go back. Imagine if I said "Your mom is so sweet, but she friend zoned me." Imagine if I said that about your wife, sister or daughter. You'd probably have me picking up my teeth, so why is it OK to say to anyone else? I have a friend who I longed for sexually for years, maybe even a decade. We joke about our non-physical relationship and you know what. We're best friends. There is no zone, we're friends. I accepted that. Is she still beautiful? Is she still sexy? Is she still desirable? Yes, but it's called being a normal human being, accepting that the physical attraction won't ever happen and the reasons, while many, don't actually matter. Have I slept with friends? Yes, but it didn't break some silly zone and didn't change our friendship, nor did it make it stronger. So what zone was there to begin with? Has sex ruined friendships? Yes that's happened too, but it wasn't because of some mythical zone. It was because it didn't work for numerous reason, the least of which is sex. And then there are the hundreds of women I've not slept with, despite being attracted to, because when I showed interest, they,in a multitude of ways, let me know they weren't viewing us as a sexual thing. You know how I took that? Like a normal human being. I held nothing against them and depending on how openly I let my feelings know, they normally responded as openly and we moved on. Not weaker, nor stronger, nor being placed in some zone. We were friends, continued to be friends and I no longer made advances and that was that.
Here's the thing about sex. It's special. Whether it's with someone for the first time or last, someone you love or a total stranger, someone you're friends with or someone you're dating, or even married to, it's special. It's special, because sex, for all the wonders of the physical aspect, is letting down each other's guard and feeling a sense of security with someone else. Letting someone see you at your most physically and for many, emotionally vulnerable. This and this is important. This, is why rape, sexual assault and even sexual harassment is so painful for people, especially the women we've been seeing, so brave and courageously opening up one social media. Imagine being at work and being expected to hear the things you hear in a bedroom. Imagine someone saying they wanted to do something, that you only do with someone you trust. A trust that took years possibly to gain. Imagine now having those things actually done to you. Imagine living that and now imagine reliving that. Imagine hearing someone use the term friend zone, knowing that they had expectations of doing to you what they wanted, whether you were accepting of such things, when you never even thought of them that way.
Are you starting to see the problem. You can imagine these things being done to people you care about, if it makes it easier for you to grasp. You can use slogans for the reason why people don't want you sexually, if the fear of being emasculated is so frightening. You can ignore other's feelings, figuring there must be something wrong with them for rejecting you, but here's what you can't do. You can't rape, sexually assault or harass them. You can take them out and expect nothing. You can be rejected and accept it. You can compliment someone, when it's appropriate, but be thoughtful and make it personal, not out on a busy sidewalk street. If it's someone you know, don't assume you can say something, because there is a level of friendship and most importantly. Respect that friendship for what it is. Two human beings who share something special. That's what a friendship is. There are no zones. There are two people. Two people with feelings and emotions, who connected in a way that they became friends. I'd like to say for most that's enough for normal human beings. #MeToo has proven me wrong.
Imagine if #MeToo was meant for every guy to honestly claim they respect women and would never rape, assault or harass them? Imagine if it was to raise awareness that we, as a gender, respect and care about women as much as our own fantasies, desires and what we feel we deserve? Now, imagine all your male friends and family. Imagine how few would be able to post those two words and have others say "I believe you." Get it?
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