Sunday, January 7, 2018

Not Resolutions

I don't believe in resolutions, because the idea that giving up what makes you happy, is a positive, is ludicrous to me. The idea to set a goal, means that goal wasn't something you desire to achieve, but simply something you feel you should. The idea to make a bucket list, means you have an emptiness, one that could, most likely, be filled with something small. The idea we need stuff, need events, need to rid ourselves of indulgence is silly to me.

I want to add more reading this year. I read a ton, but mostly on a laptop and my eyesight is starting to go due to it. I want to sit quietly for a few minutes a day, maybe ten, maybe two hours, and read something that isn't news or some research, based on the daily debate. I won't do it every day, just when I feel I'm falling into routine.

I want to try fasting. Not for health reasons necessarily, but to see how I change because of it. Will it make me abstain from snacking on days I'm eating? Will I sleep better? Will I have more energy? I do not know, but when I think about it, I fast, roughly, from 7pm until 5am every day. So why not make it 7pm to 7am every day? Why not make it 7pm to 7pm one day? Why not see how it feels?

I want to watch more movies this year, because they make me happy. It's something I don't share with many. I tried speaking to someone about a movie the other day. One I thought they'd appreciate the art in and they used to so very common response, "Oh it has subtitles? I don't want to read a movie." I'll keep my movies to myself. It'll be my thing.

I want to make a new friend. One who I can trust with the things I need to discuss about people they don't know. I want to hang out again. It's been a while since I've sat at a bar, ignoring the game I just had to see and laughed. I don't want to spend the money, but I need that again.

I want to move. This may not happen this year, but my old bones are tired of the cold. I want to be warm. I want to be outside. This past summer, I spent more time in the sun than in the last ten years combined. It refreshed me. I do not have the funds for travel, but this country should not bind me. I would move anywhere, but I need money. I am terrified of having the same complaints on January 7, 2019, as I have today. Thoughts are always appreciated, but so many take minimal funds for granted. I'm not living paycheck to paycheck, I'm living day to day. I'm out of favors, so the options are limited.

I want to have more days of silence. The hum of lights, computers and the rambling on of someone else's television or phone. It's a stress I never realized before. I go to speak and people look down, a beep is more important than my voice, so maybe not using it is the key. Inspired by someone's retreat, I see their glow. As if they had the best sex ever, yet, they were alone. Silent. Six days. She told of how the sounds all around us are amazing, when they are all we have. Even the scraping of a spoon in a bowl, takes on a pleasant tone. You're eating and that brings happiness without the mental clutter.

I want to be happier. I want those I care about to be happier. I've long cared about their happiness more than my own. Maybe I'll try to fast from that for a bit too. Maybe indulge my own sense of glee, not at their expense, but with full knowledge that a happy me is more beneficial to them. It's been too long since I've felt that overall feeling. I forget it to be honest. I'm not depressed, but happiness is more elusive as we age, than in our youth. It's one thing I will always envy my grandmother for. One hundred years and almost every moment, even when struggling, she embraced each day with the same vigor, because she was happy. Happy to think about the walk she'd take, the drink she'd sip and the story she'd tell. Happy to take that walk, take that sip and tell that story. Happy to remember that walk, savor that sip and smile that someone enjoyed what she shared. Must be nice to live so simple an existence and to do it for so long, but even more so to understand, her happiness was contagious.

Not resolutions, so when one or all fail or succeed, we'll just chalk it up to luck and life.

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