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The Five Greatest Inventions: In My Life

Sure the wheel, the airplane, the computer are wonderful inventions, but they took years to make and took a vision that was way beyond compare. Cavemen made weapons out of bones and rocks, which was pretty cool when you think about it. Little kids always seem to make believe that simple twigs are Excalibur or a .357 magnum. Not sure if that's creative or scary at times, but it goes to show, vision has no boundaries. But what are the best inventions of the last forty years that help us on a day to day basis?

#5. ATM/Debit Cards: Remember when you needed cash at night and the bank was closed and you either had to borrow money from a friend or go home? That sucked. How else can I pay for that motel room at 4am with no credit card? Thankfully ATM's have made life easy for horny teenagers, hookers and johns. A beautiful thing.

#4. ESPN: Guys love tits. Guys love ass. But what guys really want in life is a 24-hour sports network. Your girlfriend has her monthly friend or is out with friends? Who cares, there is bull riding and pool on at 4am. Your a six-pack away from having a home bar. Hey before ESPN we had to talk to our families after the football games were over on Thanksgiving. Not anymore, the World's Strongest Man marathon is on. Yahtzee!

#3. Gift Cards: I don't know when this concept started, but you can just about buy a gift card for anything now. Your girl a reader, fuck it, you haven't read a book since 6th grade - gift card. She likes massages and you're too tired to rub her calf - gift card. She wants to go to a restaurant and you hate it - gift card. Tell her to bring a friend. It'll seem like you care that she also enjoys her "friend time." She says you're considerate and you get to go out with the guys. Sweet!

#2. Salma Hayek: OK, so technically she was "invented" before I was, but she didn't invent herself as an actress until after, so I'm giving myself some leeway. She's not the greatest actress, but she isn't bad. She isn't the most beautiful woman in the world, but she's pretty damn close. There just something about her that makes me go gaga. Is it the accent? Is it flowing hair. I don't know. I keep looking at this picture and I just can't figure out why the hell I would be so enamored by her. Can you? Titillating!

#1. Netflix: I am a movie maniac. There is no word such as buff or fan that explains my love of movies. I love every genre, every language, everything about them. Before Netflix, I was pretty limited to what was on cable or in the video store. Now my eyes have been opened to the power of film. I have expanded my horizons in ways I never thought possible. I have seen actors, actresses, directors, locales, I might never have seen without this wonderful invention. Here's the wonderful thing about Netflix and dating. You get three movies sent to your home. You pick one you know you're girlfriend will like, you pick one you think she might like and then you pick the one you really want to see. As time goes on she starts to trust your picks so you start angling the choices towards your preferences and away from the silly romantic comedies. Within a year you've got her watching some crazy movie with naked women and explosions. If not, you're single and watching some crazy movie with naked women and explosions. Who am I kidding? I laid in bed alone last night and watched a film about a Palestinian woman's fight with her Israeli neighbor over a Lemon Tree. Without Netflix, I'd be watching Nightmare on Elm Street VII. Awesome!

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