Insomnia is a gross feeder. It will nourish itself on any kind of thinking, including thinking about not thinking. - Clifton Fadiman
I don't know if what I have is insomnia. Some people look at me and say, "it must be sleep apnea." Some people say, "you're sleeping but it's not rested sleep." Some others say, they have it too. I don't know if I clinically have insomnia, because I never went to a sleep center. I was supposed to, but my insurance lapsed and I wasn't able to do it. I also had a problem when I spoke with the woman on the phone. I asked her what the procedure was and she explained in great detail that I was to arrive about 8pm, they would hook up things to my chest, my head, my face and possibly some other parts. I would be able to read and watch TV until 11pm and then I would have to try and go to sleep. They said, to get an accurate reading I would have to sleep five full hours. So I paused, chuckled and said to the woman, "If I could sleep five straight hours, I wouldn't have called you." I also pointed out that since I was about four-years-old I have not been able to sleep on my back. I said, this doesn't sound like something that is plausible. I put it off and never had it done. So I don't know what my diagnosis would have been.
Now I don't claim to not sleep at all. I do, but it's not like the sleep I used to get when I was a child. I would get into bed at 7pm and sleep until 7am. In my teen years, I could sleep fourteen hours straight easily. No, I used to sleep alot. Fire engines couldn't wake me up. Now, as some people might now from first hand accounts, that only happens after lots of vodka. My biggest problem now is the amount of hours and more so, the quality. Oddly enough, I love to nap. I get my best sleep, an hour, maybe even ninety minutes at a time. Once maybe twice a week, I'll enjoy such a nap. Close friends say it plays a part in my insomnia, but I disagree. I feel when someone is tired they should sleep. When they aren't, they should live.
For me a normal night's sleep is going to bed around 2am and waking at 7:30am. In between that time I probably get up to go to the bathroom once or twice, I reach over and take a few sips of water five or six times. I rarely go right back to sleep. Sometimes it takes 10-15 minutes, sometimes it takes hours. So I usually get about three to four hours. I've gone five days without getting more than three hours of sleep in a night. I'll usually crash that last day and nap for two hours, but then only get a few hours at night and the process repeats. So this blog entry sounds like I'm looking for some type of pity party. It's not, because I am rarely tired.
In the movie Fight Club, the narrator states "When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep... and you're never really awake." Sometimes I feel that way, because my imagination during my dreams seems all too odd, but my daydreams seem just as odd. The things that strike me while awake, are for all intent and purposes, not normal. I notice things most do not. Some think it's a charming quality, some think it's odd. Basically it's become me. Things like blogs and Facebook have given me a canvas to talk about these daydreams and nightmares. There are times when I am in a thought during the day and I hear the honk of a car. I slam on the brakes and realize that my mind was somewhere a million miles away. Not behind the wheel of a car. It's not often, but it can be scary.
Some people say my full-time alertness is a fantasy. They point out I yawn all the time. I do yawn all the time. It's almost like a reaction to everything. I yawn when I'm bored, I yawn when I'm frustrated, I yawn when I'm having fun. I am always yawning. I yawn morning, noon and night. I think I always have. I hate insomnia in some ways, because I feel it's probably affecting my health, but I love it in other ways, because it allows me time to explore. Sometimes that exploration can be hours spent looking up information about something I've been interested in on the Internet. Sometimes it's self exploration and thinking about the past, the present and the future. Many times, it allows me time to watch movies or read something most people would put off for a later date. When I have these things on my mind or a mental list of things I want to discover, I do them immediately. Sleep is not an option. Sure, there are things I could do, like clean my apartment, but those aren't the things I think about when I can't sleep. I think about what can be done, what can be learned or experienced. I have had some of my best conversations with people about a bevy of subjects in the wee hours of the morning. So insomnia isn't always bad.
I know that if things don't change and my sleep patterns don't become more normal, my health will suffer. I'll sleep when I get a chance, and I'll enjoy what is around me while I'm awake. Like so many have been quoted as saying before, "I'll sleep when I'm dead." Who knows, if that saying is true, I might outlive everyone.
I don't know if what I have is insomnia. Some people look at me and say, "it must be sleep apnea." Some people say, "you're sleeping but it's not rested sleep." Some others say, they have it too. I don't know if I clinically have insomnia, because I never went to a sleep center. I was supposed to, but my insurance lapsed and I wasn't able to do it. I also had a problem when I spoke with the woman on the phone. I asked her what the procedure was and she explained in great detail that I was to arrive about 8pm, they would hook up things to my chest, my head, my face and possibly some other parts. I would be able to read and watch TV until 11pm and then I would have to try and go to sleep. They said, to get an accurate reading I would have to sleep five full hours. So I paused, chuckled and said to the woman, "If I could sleep five straight hours, I wouldn't have called you." I also pointed out that since I was about four-years-old I have not been able to sleep on my back. I said, this doesn't sound like something that is plausible. I put it off and never had it done. So I don't know what my diagnosis would have been.
Now I don't claim to not sleep at all. I do, but it's not like the sleep I used to get when I was a child. I would get into bed at 7pm and sleep until 7am. In my teen years, I could sleep fourteen hours straight easily. No, I used to sleep alot. Fire engines couldn't wake me up. Now, as some people might now from first hand accounts, that only happens after lots of vodka. My biggest problem now is the amount of hours and more so, the quality. Oddly enough, I love to nap. I get my best sleep, an hour, maybe even ninety minutes at a time. Once maybe twice a week, I'll enjoy such a nap. Close friends say it plays a part in my insomnia, but I disagree. I feel when someone is tired they should sleep. When they aren't, they should live.
For me a normal night's sleep is going to bed around 2am and waking at 7:30am. In between that time I probably get up to go to the bathroom once or twice, I reach over and take a few sips of water five or six times. I rarely go right back to sleep. Sometimes it takes 10-15 minutes, sometimes it takes hours. So I usually get about three to four hours. I've gone five days without getting more than three hours of sleep in a night. I'll usually crash that last day and nap for two hours, but then only get a few hours at night and the process repeats. So this blog entry sounds like I'm looking for some type of pity party. It's not, because I am rarely tired.
In the movie Fight Club, the narrator states "When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep... and you're never really awake." Sometimes I feel that way, because my imagination during my dreams seems all too odd, but my daydreams seem just as odd. The things that strike me while awake, are for all intent and purposes, not normal. I notice things most do not. Some think it's a charming quality, some think it's odd. Basically it's become me. Things like blogs and Facebook have given me a canvas to talk about these daydreams and nightmares. There are times when I am in a thought during the day and I hear the honk of a car. I slam on the brakes and realize that my mind was somewhere a million miles away. Not behind the wheel of a car. It's not often, but it can be scary.
Some people say my full-time alertness is a fantasy. They point out I yawn all the time. I do yawn all the time. It's almost like a reaction to everything. I yawn when I'm bored, I yawn when I'm frustrated, I yawn when I'm having fun. I am always yawning. I yawn morning, noon and night. I think I always have. I hate insomnia in some ways, because I feel it's probably affecting my health, but I love it in other ways, because it allows me time to explore. Sometimes that exploration can be hours spent looking up information about something I've been interested in on the Internet. Sometimes it's self exploration and thinking about the past, the present and the future. Many times, it allows me time to watch movies or read something most people would put off for a later date. When I have these things on my mind or a mental list of things I want to discover, I do them immediately. Sleep is not an option. Sure, there are things I could do, like clean my apartment, but those aren't the things I think about when I can't sleep. I think about what can be done, what can be learned or experienced. I have had some of my best conversations with people about a bevy of subjects in the wee hours of the morning. So insomnia isn't always bad.
I know that if things don't change and my sleep patterns don't become more normal, my health will suffer. I'll sleep when I get a chance, and I'll enjoy what is around me while I'm awake. Like so many have been quoted as saying before, "I'll sleep when I'm dead." Who knows, if that saying is true, I might outlive everyone.
Comments
Post a Comment