Isn’t it amazing how often we do something we know is wrong? I don’t mean something awful, like tearing the label off a mattress, but the serious things. We say something to someone we know we shouldn’t, tell a lie or cheat on a significant other. We know these things are wrong yet we do them anyway. There are always reasons for these major mishaps, such as envy, fear or maybe we’re just assholes. It’s hard to tell why we’re wired so poorly, we just are. Maybe God was working out the kinks when he created us. I sure as hell know he messed up with a few of us. Those are all serious things, but what about the subtle things we do that ruin our lives on a day to day basis.
Writing this blog may be one of them. I’ve written a blog directly about a few people and they’ve usually liked it. Ironically, on more than one occasion, people have thought I was talking about them, when in fact I was generalizing. That being said, most of my blogs are about me. I don’t do it because I think my life is more interesting or more important than others, but merely because it’s a topic I know a little about and I tend to look at things a little differently than the rest of you. Getting back to the topic, I want to talk about myself and someone new who has entered my life. I’ll leave the off the last S for savings and not to have her stab me in the eye with her heel. Who knows, she may read this and she may become a person I used to know.
I’m a person who wears my heart on my sleeve. Oddly enough I never wear long sleeves, so it’s odd I have such a big heart. But I need a big heart to pump blood to my big ass. Where was I? I have a serious problem holding in emotions. I know what I like immediately and I know what I don’t. I like this woman (I thought of calling her a girl, but some of you might get the wrong idea, being I’m writing this in a children’s playground). I love saying “I digress,” so I digress. I like this woman and I believe she likes me. We’ve spent little time together, but it was a nice time. Dare I say special time? We both are in very different points in our lives, but we’re also at the getting to know each other stage, so that’s OK. Now here’s where the problem starts. I got into this with eyes wide open and promised myself two things; to guard myself and not to say anything too soon that could be taken as, well a pathetic schoolboy crush. As she said regarding my inability to come through with a promise of breakfast, “Epic Fail.”
It’s not my fault. I’m genetically defective. I’m also a bit of a helpless romantic. I rarely talk to myself, because I think it is the first sign of going insane. I think people get pets for the sole reason of being able to speak aloud, away from human contact and convince themselves they are having a conversation with another. They are not only wrong, but actually crazier than others, because they are using another species to promote their insanity. That being said, I love cats and dogs, and this woman’s cats told me they liked me, so I hope to see them soon, to finish our conversation. Back to human interaction. I promised myself after spending the day, that I would not text or call any more than to say good morning how was your day and good night. Once again, Epic Fail! I told myself as I was texting, not to text any adolescent flirtations. As I typed, I told myself this was silly. I told myself “you’re going to scare her away. “ I said to myself “you’re doing it again.” I told myself to stop. I hit send. Here’s the best part. I even sent a pre-text telling her I was stupid and about to be even more stupid. Her reactions to most of my inane texts and lack of reaction to that one made me realize I’d made a mistake. A mistake I made as I was making it. I’m just that stupid.
So the night ended with me saying something a little silly. Again! Then I wrote another obnoxiously long text stating that I knew I was being stupid, but proceeded with more silly banter. The problem is, I mean it. I’m not good at lying. I’m not good at hiding my feelings. While we watched something this weekend, I told her point blank “if I was watching that home by myself, I’d be crying.” She laughed and agreed. I’m a sap. I know I’m a sap and while I apologize for it constantly, I think it’s a redeeming quality. Now, I don’t know where things will lead. I don’t know if my texts yesterday were too annoying to deal with. I’m not trying to be childish; I’m trying to be sincere.
I’m sitting here writing a blog about the silly things I wrote before and how I shouldn’t have. In my mind it makes complete sense. I am an oxymoron.
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