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The Day After

"In jealousy there is more self-love than love." - Francois de la Rochefoucald

Have you ever said something and in your mind you completely meant it.  Then when confronted with the fact that your well wishes came true, you immediately felt anger and betrayal.  This isn't like me.  I've never been a jealous person.  I've never been one to care that there are haves and I am a have not.  I have never coveted what others have.  If they are friends, I am happy for their success and happiness.  If they are people who I don't know, I assume there must be something good about them for their achievements are a sign.  Unless proven wrong, I believe people have things for a reason.  It may not always be the best reason, but who am I to question it.  So how did I fall prey to this feeling?

When you love something, to lose it is tough.  There is a healing process that begins and then you learn to cope.  These coping skills allow us to continue relationships that at one time, felt like love, but now we convince ourselves there was a mistake.  We learn to let go and we tell ourselves that time heals all wounds. How much time?  What happens when we convince ourselves that we are healed? Suddenly, this health is tested and we find we were not healed.  The revelation is tough to deal with.  We fight it with every fiber of our being. We place blame on others for our inability.  We throw accusations and insults, but what we're really saying is that we care more about our feelings than those who are the objects of our affection.  Genuinely, we don't mean to hurt, but we do so to preserve our own love.  Jealousy is nothing more than the reflection of our own anger, sorrow and desperation, that we reflect onto others.  I never used to be that person, but last night, I looked into that mirror and didn't like what I saw and blamed another, who deep down, I truly care about.  For that, I feel horrible.

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