Delirious. Fifteen hours of sleep since Sunday morning and I've been sick since Tuesday Morning....maybe it hit me Monday night, will sipping beers. I do not know. Like I said, delirious. I have written two blogs tonight. Each took about twenty minutes and I deleted them both. They were both about food shopping and eating. Nobody cares. Nobody cares about the silliness when you try and point out little things in life that help, because everyone, myself included knows better. Those forty wasted minutes talked about my saving money after spending $100 on five meals with a car, I spent $40 and made eight meals over the last three days and I still have ten English Muffins and a cream cheese and a half left. This is exciting right? I was thinking about a diet and I mapped it out and I would spend roughly $7 a day on food, maybe even less, if I cut out beef. Who cares? I'm sick, my head isn't working. I read somewhere once that you should never think about things too hard when you're ill, because it slows your immune system. Could be true, this is the longest and worst cold I've had in three or four years. I'm miserable I've seen movies though and written about them. Good movies. Great movies actually. I'm stressing about my car issue, the fear isn't what I will do without one, but how I can get away without paying for this stuff. It's a long convoluted story that I won't share, but I'm angry Angry at everyone involved. Angry at the money wasted over this wreck. Lies. I can't take lies. I am a lot of things. A lot of negative things, but I am honest to a fault. I can't shake this fucking honesty thing. I see so many happy people, cheating, stealing, lying and it breaks my heart and they all sit back and laugh at me. Sitting with their husband or wives one night, their boyfriends or girlfriends the other, taking money from another, promising one thing and delivering another and then the lies. I can't take dishonesty. It scorches my soul. Ha. Like I even have one. The rest of the world has a soul, I have a conscience. I might be brash, rude and sometimes downright mean, but I'm honest. It's not always about me, but it's not always about those I always make it about. One day, I want to feel free of these bonds. I want to be able to look someone in the eye and tell them the biggest lie in the world. It must be invigorating. I mean how many people do this and live happy lives? I stress about me and about others and then when they lie to me, they break my heart. And I let them do it over and over and over. If I could just muster the lies...I'd be no better than them and I strive to be. Even if I die and that's the only thing I have to show for. Sad. Isn't it?
This was a post I wrote on Facebook after surprisingly not seeing any moaning about the Documentary by Jose Antonio Vargas, titled White People Dayyum! I just scrolled my timeline and not a single white person got their feelings hurt by White People. I unfortunately haven't seen it, but the number of fake accounts that popped up on twitter, tells me it was a damn good show. Here's the thing. If someone of color aka non-white says "White Privilege," are you offended? If you said yes, then you are exhibiting white privilege. It has nothing to do with how hard you work or study, how you stayed out of trouble, because here's the thing, that is entirely the point. Somewhere out there, there are 100 Black, Spanish, Native American, Arab, Asian, who worked and studied as hard as you and never got in trouble, but they don't have what you "earned" or achieved. Stop looking at the one person you know who isn't white that achieved as your benchmark. Loo
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