From the outside, people probably think I'm some spoiled rich kid with a trust fund who sits at home all day and lives life as an Internet troll. Well, not exactly. I'm about as broke as one can be and still live a decent life. I work hard when I work and without sounding cocky, I'm pretty fucking awesome at what I do. If I wasn't, I wouldn't be at a place for well over a decade that recycles bodies like it's La Cosa Nostra. I will admit, I love the Internet and I love that it offers so much education, so quickly, but what I love even more about it, is the psychological profiling that can be done, just by paying attention. Look, Halloween shows a lot about people's inner self and the reason is simple. They are allowed to wear a mask which allows for them to be inconspicuous, while letting go of their inhibitions. Facebook, despite letting people know who you are, is the same. It's a shield that allows you to open yourself to the world without ever truly letting anyone in. You can block or hide from those that might judge you or you can fight them, in as nasty a way as you seem fit, without any true repercussions. I myself, like to be me, but the crazy me, who doesn't have to worry about offending your wife or your husband. Who doesn't have to speak in signs around your children. Nope, I say what's on my mind, no matter how ridiculous and while you're not watching, I'm gathering info. Below are types of people who just don't get what they are throwing out there.
The Motivational Meme Girl - This is the girl who wakes up, grabs a cup of Joe and then searches the Internet for a good 15-20 minutes looking for some words of encouragement with a pretty picture of a sunrise or a horse in a field and then posts five of them. Her desire is to come across as deep and spiritual, while conveying an aura of invincibility. She wants people to think "I am woman, hear me roar," but the reality is, she goes day by day afraid of the unknown, fearful that someone will see through her. She may be going through work problems, marital or relationship problems or simply struggling to find the answers to life's every day problems when they seem overwhelming. How productive and motivated is someone who spends their waking moments, looking for something to lift them, when a deep breath, a gaze at one's children, loved one or puppy should be all that is needed?
The Hot Rod Picture Guy - This is the guy who hasn't quite gotten out of high school yet. Now car enthusiasm is fine. We all have our hobbies we adopted as a kid, but this is the guy who needs to throw up a picture of a muscle car with a bikini clad model in front wearing a string bikini and looking like she wants to be anywhere but in this picture. These are the guys, who when you see them out, are wearing a shirt with writing on it, usually containing some offensive word or some sexual innuendo. They might be married with kids, but there is no chance at all their wife looks anything like the girl in that picture. Ironically, these guys are usually pretty amazing father's who do anything for their kids and if they have daughters hate the very idea of their daughters dating anyone like they are.
The Reality TV Gabbers - These are the men and women who are consumed by everything on television. They read books like 50 Shades of Grey or James Patterson novels, they listen to whatever was popular in their generation (like Bon Jovi, Led Zeppelin or Pearl Jam) and basically go with whatever is the trend without having to truly think for themselves. They quote the likes of the Mob Wives and the Bachelor, being angry when their contestant is voted off a show and take serious issue with someone talking about any show that might be a spin-off. Damn you The Voice lovers, it's all about Idol!
The Single Girl Pet Pic Enthusiast - You wonder why you're single? Well a pet is a wonderful thing. So much so, that I too would like to get one, but there will be a line drawn. If you're staying home weekend after weekend, because you don't want to leave Mr. Jingles alone, you've entered into a state of social withdrawal that is less than healthy. When you are in a new relationship that ends and you write on Facebook "at least I'll always have my Bootsie," you've 1, shown the world you might be a little needy and 2, not really aware of how long pets live.
The Married Girl Pet Pic Enthusiast - Your Facebook page has more pics of your dog than of you family members combined. Your kid is graduating second grade, but you found a sweater of Fido which you needed to show the world. Your husband just got a promotion, but your pup is cuddling with a chew toy and you've actually taken a second to think about which is more Facebook worthy. I'm not saying divorce is in your future, but don't say you weren't warned when your husband's picture from the company party is one of him smiling without you.
The Angry Political Poster - This is the guy who posts political jargon constantly without ever checking to see if it's correct. He's fueled by similar simpletons who champion his cause and give him a feeling of self worth. When proven wrong or inaccurate, this poster, goes and posts something on another page or comments on something he thinks is private. He doesn't understand how the Internet works and that anyone can see his idiotic false statements on other's pages. He techno high fives guys and they get into a "like" button feeding frenzy that resembles a gay Roman orgy, the problem is there is no vomitorium on Facebook.
The My Kids Are So Much Better Person - This is the person who doesn't just love their kids, but loves them so much they want others to feel inferior about their little Jacks and Jills. These are the parents that not only brag about their child's success, but throw subtle barbs at other parents who might have posted earlier in the day. Are their little geniuses really that exceptional? Sure, to them? That's human nature, but as someone who sees this on a day to day basis in person, let me tell you this. Kids of all shapes, sizes and mental capacities are a gift from the gods, but no single on is really God's gift. If you're kid is five and has performed a tonsillectomy, sign me up for their saint petition, but if your kid is in first grade and walked to the bus for the first time and didn't drop to the ground in tears like the neighbors kid, maybe it's just that you prepared them. Slap yourself on the back and go about your day.
The LOL, LMAO, ROFLMAO People - The hardest I ever laughed made milk shoot out of my nose. At no time in my life have I fallen to the floor, lost my buttocks over an Internet meme or even laughed out loud for the most part. That is funny will suffice.
The Self Promotion People - Facebook has evolved from a social network to a network for some. They believe, much like direct mailers and fliers, that they can reach a ton of people to promote their business just by posting on Facebook. Now, while this may be true, it's unlikely. Here's why. Good marketing has a 2% success rate. Great would be 3%. So if you have 500 friends, your post, if well done and read by all, will yield you ten clients. Your hope is similar to the pyramid schemes. That they will tell their 500 friends. The problem is that you have 100 similar friends and the reality is, not everyone uses Facebook. So while I enjoy reading about how you're the best at whatever you do, a direct message, with a brief description and a link to where I can find out more would impress me and others more. The reason? I'm special. You took the time to single me out. I know deep down you didn't, but it feels that way and I'm more likely to go towards your business should I need that service. Just posting you're a real estate agent and you had a sale doesn't tell me how good you are at what you do.
The Woe Is Me People - I fall into this category occasionally, but usually I have a hidden agenda. I'm looking for a reply that involves day drinking. Aside from that, I usually complain about sleep, because it has consumed my life in recent years and in many ways defines me. Not being able to fall asleep is not insomnia my friends, so if your cat jumped on your balls and woke you up or you took a nap and now can't fall asleep, that is not insomnia. These people also complain with comments like FML, SMH or other Internet shortcuts to display their anger and frustration over every day things. "Fucking Traffic." Well, it's 9:05. What time did you leave for work this morning when you knew you had to be there at 9? Oh you left at 8:45 like you always do and there was an accident? Well what time do you normally arrive? Oh, 8:58. I can't see where this would ever be an issue. I feel your pain. People who bring stress upon themselves should be banned from sharing it as a woe on Facebook.
The Selfie Addict - I like your abs and your tits too, but I don't need to see a picture of them every day. I'm glad the situps and the new bra have inspired you, but you're no David LaChapelle or Annie Lebowitz, so we really don't need to see these daily. While I envy how clean your bathroom mirror is, it's a little disturbing when someone looks in the mirror every morning and says "let's start the day off with a picture of me." Now I have some beautiful friends, both male and female, but I'd much rather see a picture of them framed by the Golden Gate Bridge than by a curling iron a container of protein powder.
The I'm Out With My Husband/Wife.....Yet - You know how often I post on Facebook when I'm out with a friend for dinner or drinks? Never. You know how often I post when I'm at work? Never. You know how many times I post when I'm in the city or at some event? None. You know why? The person or people I'm with at the time are my life. Now don't misread this an get angry. If I was with my wife and kid and at a show or event, I'd take pictures to create a scrapbook of memories. To see my son or daughter enjoying themselves and to show my happy family somewhere other than at a Tuesday dinner table. That, to me, is perfectly acceptable. What infuriates me is when a friend goes on a date with a girlfriend or wife (or the male equivalent) and posts sports scores, political rants or anything that doesn't pertain to their loving their time with the one they are with. I also hate check-ins, but I realize some people need other to know that they are at IHOP. The Mayan tragedy was probably averted thanks to this incredible information.
The Guy Who Is Bored And Still Can't Stimulate Conversations - I will turn the mirror on myself. I make fun of Michael J. Fox, I denounce the Pope as a Nazi pedophile, I talk about movies, I make fun of others, I debate, I talk and take pictures of my lame homemade meals. I try and use the social network as it was intended. To weave connections between companions into a group discussion. This is a failing proposition, because people, for the most part don't get me. I have a friend who I see rarely, who I've had issues with and she with I, but she gets me. She doesn't always comment, but it's refreshing when she does. I have others who believe they have me figured out, who know nothing about me or my motivations.
So here, I will lay it on the line and probably upset a few (probably not those who actually read my blog). I feel the need to educate. Not in the way you think. I do not profess to know so much that I feel omnipotent, but I have a desire in my own life that I wish was shared. I do not wish to go through one more day of existence in which I know less tomorrow than I did today. It may be something as simple as a recipe for sauteed mushrooms or a historic date, but I don't just let that roll off of me like shower water. I consume it and share it. My hope, is that everyone desire knowledge. I hope someone reads my comments on kids and spends an hour throwing a ball or watching a classic movie with them. Opening their young minds to the mysteries of the world. I hope that my arguments with others makes them sit at home late one night and in an effort to prove me wrong, they research a topic so well they know more than I. Whether they prove me wrong is of no significance, but they will take something away and then pass that knowledge forward. School is not enough. I learned everything I know school-wise before sixth grade, with maybe the exception of religious studies. I wish to spread the thought that all of us are equal and because you decide to lay your head next to someone of the same sex, none of us shall judge. I want everyone to be aware that your midnight snack of Oreo ice cream, while luxurious and well deserved is more than a billion people on this planet at all day. That while you complain about gas at four dollars a gallon and curse the government, that I mock you as you pay the $12 equivalent for a bottled water. I want everyone to think until it hurts.. Think with your own mind, not with the minds of others who haven't walked in your shoes or lived your life. I want you to look at people and wonder, like I do, where do they come from. Where does hate evolve from and why do we nurture it?
So tomorrow, when nobody reads this, I will awake. I will put on some coffee. I will respond to a barb, write a joke, share some humor and make some eggs. I will pour over the inspirational, the irrational and the incorrect. I might comment and I might not. I might shake my head in disgust or laugh at the frivolous nature of the posts. I'll watch and view and see who writes what and I will make mental notes. I will try and decipher those who are true and those who are false. Those who awoke with fervor to attack the day and it's surprises and those who just want to appear that way. I will figure on who laid wrapped in their lovers arms and who is hiding their sadness. It won't matter what I do in terms of your life. Tomorrow I will be more intelligent and knowledgeable at days end than I was right now. The following day even more such. It's all that matters to me. Although it must be nice to have one goal in a day. To find the perfect quote or picture so that people can see the you that you wish you were and not the you that you are. I'll be thinking about the real you and wishing I could reach out.
The I'm Out With My Husband/Wife.....Yet - You know how often I post on Facebook when I'm out with a friend for dinner or drinks? Never. You know how often I post when I'm at work? Never. You know how many times I post when I'm in the city or at some event? None. You know why? The person or people I'm with at the time are my life. Now don't misread this an get angry. If I was with my wife and kid and at a show or event, I'd take pictures to create a scrapbook of memories. To see my son or daughter enjoying themselves and to show my happy family somewhere other than at a Tuesday dinner table. That, to me, is perfectly acceptable. What infuriates me is when a friend goes on a date with a girlfriend or wife (or the male equivalent) and posts sports scores, political rants or anything that doesn't pertain to their loving their time with the one they are with. I also hate check-ins, but I realize some people need other to know that they are at IHOP. The Mayan tragedy was probably averted thanks to this incredible information.
The Guy Who Is Bored And Still Can't Stimulate Conversations - I will turn the mirror on myself. I make fun of Michael J. Fox, I denounce the Pope as a Nazi pedophile, I talk about movies, I make fun of others, I debate, I talk and take pictures of my lame homemade meals. I try and use the social network as it was intended. To weave connections between companions into a group discussion. This is a failing proposition, because people, for the most part don't get me. I have a friend who I see rarely, who I've had issues with and she with I, but she gets me. She doesn't always comment, but it's refreshing when she does. I have others who believe they have me figured out, who know nothing about me or my motivations.
So here, I will lay it on the line and probably upset a few (probably not those who actually read my blog). I feel the need to educate. Not in the way you think. I do not profess to know so much that I feel omnipotent, but I have a desire in my own life that I wish was shared. I do not wish to go through one more day of existence in which I know less tomorrow than I did today. It may be something as simple as a recipe for sauteed mushrooms or a historic date, but I don't just let that roll off of me like shower water. I consume it and share it. My hope, is that everyone desire knowledge. I hope someone reads my comments on kids and spends an hour throwing a ball or watching a classic movie with them. Opening their young minds to the mysteries of the world. I hope that my arguments with others makes them sit at home late one night and in an effort to prove me wrong, they research a topic so well they know more than I. Whether they prove me wrong is of no significance, but they will take something away and then pass that knowledge forward. School is not enough. I learned everything I know school-wise before sixth grade, with maybe the exception of religious studies. I wish to spread the thought that all of us are equal and because you decide to lay your head next to someone of the same sex, none of us shall judge. I want everyone to be aware that your midnight snack of Oreo ice cream, while luxurious and well deserved is more than a billion people on this planet at all day. That while you complain about gas at four dollars a gallon and curse the government, that I mock you as you pay the $12 equivalent for a bottled water. I want everyone to think until it hurts.. Think with your own mind, not with the minds of others who haven't walked in your shoes or lived your life. I want you to look at people and wonder, like I do, where do they come from. Where does hate evolve from and why do we nurture it?
So tomorrow, when nobody reads this, I will awake. I will put on some coffee. I will respond to a barb, write a joke, share some humor and make some eggs. I will pour over the inspirational, the irrational and the incorrect. I might comment and I might not. I might shake my head in disgust or laugh at the frivolous nature of the posts. I'll watch and view and see who writes what and I will make mental notes. I will try and decipher those who are true and those who are false. Those who awoke with fervor to attack the day and it's surprises and those who just want to appear that way. I will figure on who laid wrapped in their lovers arms and who is hiding their sadness. It won't matter what I do in terms of your life. Tomorrow I will be more intelligent and knowledgeable at days end than I was right now. The following day even more such. It's all that matters to me. Although it must be nice to have one goal in a day. To find the perfect quote or picture so that people can see the you that you wish you were and not the you that you are. I'll be thinking about the real you and wishing I could reach out.
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