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My Curse

A lot of people know about my insomnia, know about the ups and downs in my life.  I'm pretty much an open book and that is fine with me.  I've never been one to have secrets.  I just feel that if people don't like me for who I am, warts and all, then I don't need them in my life.  There are times where I do question the things I tell people, but I feel there is a reason for it.  Many times I feel something I say might make someone feel better about what they have gone through or maybe it's something that might make people more comfortable confiding in me.  I don't honestly know why I do it, it's just who I have become.

Recently I got together with some high school friends and we were reminiscing about some stuff that happened back in school.  Everyone seemed astonished at how much I remembered.  Later that week, while I spoke to someone else they were shocked by my retention of a somewhat insignificant event.   In many ways, I love this ability, because it brings clarity to some situations that need it.  In others, it's a curse.  It's the thing that keeps me awake at night.

I recently saw someone who I thought was an ex-girlfriend.  I hadn't really thought about this person in a while, but immediately, I was overcome with this awful feeling.  I was confused, because I was totally over this person, but for some reason the emotions came running back.  It ended up not being her, but the feelings still lingered.  Then, a few moments later, I ran into another, more recent ex and was overcome again.  The problem isn't that we aren't friends, I consider her a great friend, but I felt overwhelmed.  Both relationships meant a lot to me and were over before they got started, but the problem was I kept thinking of vivid moments.  I ended up ignoring the person and truly hurt their feelings.  I felt and still feel terrible about this. Sincerely awful.  This is why I consider it a curse.

I feel this curse hampers my ability to let things go, to adjust to change and to move on.  When I am mad at someone, my constant memories, remind me not only of what happened, but exactly how I feel.  This has caused me to hold onto grudges for long periods of time.  Sometimes forever.  It  also clouds my mind when the memories are good, because I think of the touches and the smells and fall in love with these people all over again.  I think about times when I was younger trying to impress a girlfriend by cooking her dinner.  The other day, I was walking home on a cold night and it reminded me of a funny tryst I had with an old girlfriend.  I see pictures online of old friends and remember special times I've had with them and it makes me want for those simpler times.  I see a pretty face and remember waking up next to that person.  As I lay down alone those memories haunt me and make me wonder where I went wrong.  The sad thing is many times, I can't remember those reasons why. 

Even know, I'm sitting listening to the sounds of rainwater dripping on a metal gutter and it reminds me of a wonderful evening that I will never get to share again.  I look at a piece of furniture and think back to a silly moment in my life.  I look at a pair of boots and think about my younger days slaving away on freezing cold roofs and loving my life.   I look at a small fan and think about laying in a tiny camp bed, listening to my kids whispering about girls.  I look at an item, I use every day and think about how one day, this item made my entire life brighter.  The problem isn't that I want these memories to fade away, it's that I remember all the emotions that I felt when they happened and I want to feel that way again.  Knowing I can't make these memories my curse.  One I will just have to live with.


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