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Random & Very Personal Thoughts

I'm fairly convinced about six different people read this now.  I think my opinions, openness and occasional dickishness have turned some off.  I think my blogs about Santa and Jesus (they are technically the same, right?) get to people.  Well here are some things that are floating around my head, that I want to reveal about myself. Kind of a through the years thoughts.

When I was little, my parents put artwork up, but never once hung my report card on the fridge like so many.  The reason?  I was expected to and always got straight As.  To give me credit for what was expected would have devalued the achievement.  It made me realize that education is not a feat, but a requirement.

People laugh at my musical tastes now.  When I was about ten years old, the albums I listened to the most were Jesus Christ Superstar, AC/DC Back in Black, Pink Floyd The Wall, Stravinsky's The Firebird and The Hobbit.

At 13, I romantically kissed a girl for the first time. She was 16.  I was terrified. To this day, I am always terrified of that first kiss.  I also think kissing is more intimate than sex.

I do not speak to any of my five best friends from when I lived in Brooklyn (1970-1985).  I am friends with four of them on Facebook.  I still consider all of them great friends and love them dearly.

From the ages of 16-21, I would have rather gotten in a fight than had sex.  I loved fighting.  It wasn't about winning or losing, it was the adrenaline rush.  Some people need to jump out of a plane or fly down an icy slope to do this.  In my life, I think I've been in at least a hundred fights.  Don't think, even once it was with someone smaller than me.  That "rush" all stopped one day when someone pushed me and I literally destroyed them.  At the time, I felt I was justified, but after that moment, I can count the actual fights I've been in on one hand.

When I was about 26 years old and girlfriend broke up with me.  I never told anyone, not even her, but that night, I took some pills and washed them down with some rum.  I slept for about 20 hours straight.  I don't consider it a suicide attempt, because I knew it wasn't enough to kill myself.  I just wanted to escape.  I woke, up and realized it was stupid.  She is one of the few people to this day I can confide in.

I don't think I have ever been physically scared in my life.  I've almost slipped off a 22 story building.  I have almost drowned twice.  I've been in a few car accidents and in these cases, I don't think my heart beat ever raised once.  That being said, I think when I found out my mother had cancer you could have hooked me up to an EKG an thought I was running a marathon.

I loved my mother's parents more than anyone could ever love anyone in the world.  I probably loved them during my teens, more than my parents.  They were both, about a year apart told they only had a short time to live.  They went into a nursing home and lived for almost ten years.  I didn't visit them once, the entire time. I couldn't bear to see them and them not know who I was.  This tore at me for years until someone I didn't even like at the time heard me tell the story and confronted me. He told me how hard that must have been and how they would have understood. That person is a great friend and it allowed me to move on.  I tried to return the favor to he and his kids when his wife and their mother died a few years ago.  He saw me well after that and said my letter was the most touching thing he and his family had received during their grief. 

About five years ago, I broke someone's heart. To this day, it is probably the biggest mistake I ever made, but I'm happy I made it. I truly believe she is better off now and has a much more fulfilling life than she would have ever had with me.  She is the best person I've ever met and I say that with no hesitation.  We're still very good friends, although it took a while, but I value that and I'm happy to have her in my life.  I just regret the initial pain I caused her.

Since then, I have had my heart broken twice.  It sucks. The feeling is like no other.  The person who has been most supportive is the one who's heart I broke.  She wishes nothing but happiness for me and is sincere.  I don't deserve the friendship she gave me and at times I wonder, with the way I've lived my life, if I'll find that happiness.  She assures me I will.

Finally.  Some of you might have heard of Jim Valvano.  In 1993, while dying of cancer, he made a speech at a sports awards show called the ESPY's.  Every one of my friends saw this and everyone was touched.  During the speech he makes a statement about what we should every day.  He says we should laugh, we should spend time in thought and we should have our emotions bring us to tears.   I'm forty-one years old.  I laugh every single day.  I also try to make others laugh.  I spend lots of time in thought and hope and try to make my friends do this. I also cry every day.  Sometimes tears of sorrow, sometimes of happiness and sometimes just because I am overcome with some sort of emotion.  Valvano explains how if you do this, that's a full day.  Most guys wouldn't want to admit this, but then again, I'm not most people. 

Maybe some of this will be viewed as too personal. Maybe some is silly.  Maybe it's too serious. I don't know.  I never started this blog for others. I started it as therapy.  So if you're one of the six or seven people who read this.  You now know even more about me.  Enjoy!


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