It's that time of year again. The leaves are changing. Many are falling to the ground. The crisp winds blow and scarves and gloves have replaced sandals and shorts. Some see it as the end of the nice weather and the beginning of the bad. Some see it as the holiday season. I see it as a happy time. It's a time I know I will spend with some family and maybe some friends. It's also a sad time, because it reminds me of the wonderful holidays spent with my mother and my grandparents who aren't with me anymore. It is a time of reflection, although I've come to realize, my nickname could be "Mirror," with the amount of time I spend reflecting. For me, it is a completely special time.
For the past seven years, I always seem to get sick the week of Thanksgiving and for some odd reason I don't think this year will be any different. I can feel the tickle starting in my throat. We'll wait and see. I'd rather be sick this weekend than for Thanksgiving day. All that aside, my physical health rarely ruins the week. Well or not, I will enjoy the time and do what I do best (or worst) reflect.
This past year has been a tough one for me. It truly has. Despite what people might think, I have stayed positive. I have really tried to look at the things these negative events have taught me. Many times, I try not to view them as negatives, but as lessons. The year started off with my car dying and due to a lack of funds I've had to learn to live without one and count on friends, neighbors, taxis and public transportation to get around. I left a job I was at for almost five years. Working with a friend was difficult at times and the friendship became strained too. The friendship seems better now. That is important. I took another job, but realized quickly I'm not 25 anymore. Physical pain and actual injury caused me to leave that, leaving me with no options until my school program started up in February. Many view being on unemployment as vacation, but I had to really cut back on things I normally took for granted. It's a humbling experience to say the least. At times, embarrassing. The year was also filled with lots of health issues for people I care about or their loved ones. As we get older this is inevitable, but this year seems to be filled, almost weekly, with the news of someone else with cancer. It never seems to escape me since my mother passed. I guess it doesn't escape anyone really.
The biggest thing that happened this year was meeting a special person. Sadly, like most of the good in my life, this was short lived. We "dated" only a few weeks, with some time after that was tumultuous and then it looked like we could be friends, but there are feelings on one side and complexities on the other that seem to doom any realistic chance of this. I'm hopeful, but doubtful. If anything, the brief moment of complete happiness, taught me lots of things about myself. I realized that the people I surrounded myself with for the past year are not truly my friends. They are people who when given the opportunity will look to benefit or enhance their day at the expense of your year. Maybe even your life. I realized that it was always apparent, but needed it to happen to me to see clearly. I also realized that I love with all my heart and I do it too quickly. I dive into things and people I love head first, without ever checking to make sure it's safe. At times, I do so, knowing it isn't safe. This was one of those occasions. I realized also that I needed to slow down. I need to take more time to recover from nights out and needed a break from being the funny drunk guy. I can still be that guy, but once, maybe twice a week, not seven days. I realized we are given chances to shine and when we fail we lose some of our luster. That luster, unfortunately does not ever come back. You can't undo your mistakes and there are some times when an apology isn't the answer.
So I looked into my mirror, as I seem to do so many nights and I came to some conclusions, based on my life and on those lives I'm surrounded by. When it boils down to it, I'm a good person. I do for others much more often than others do for me. I am extremely thankful to those who do and I try at all times to show my gratitude. I don't cheat on my spouse or significant other, sadly, like the majority of people I know do. I don't fuck over friends to benefit myself, like so many people I know do. It dawned on me this year, I have had the opportunity to "be with" three of my friends wives and one of their girlfriends and all four times, I politely declined and went on with my boring honest life. I've had the opportunity to better my standing with people, but throwing others under the bus and have passed on every one. I have had opportunities to tell the truth, knowing people would get hurt and lied to save someone who was innocent the pain. I wonder at times is that really the right thing to do. I have helped someone out financially when I didn't have money myself. I have donated to charities, when the donation itself was roughly 5% of the money I had in the bank. I just felt at the time that it needed to be done. Maybe it was my subconscious telling me my karma needed some charging.
I'm not trying to implicate anyone or make myself out to be some sort of moral martyr. I just wish people would look into their mirrors. See the loving partner, the beautiful kid, the job which could be worse and realize it isn't bad at all. If you feel stuck with someone or something, I feel for you. I know the feeling, but hurting them isn't going to make you feel better in the long run. I always wonder why people cheat, lie or steal to benefit themselves. I wonder how they live with themselves. I know the one time I did anything that could be considered cheating I felt awful. I feel awful to this day and the person I hurt was and is special to me in many ways. I have stolen two things in my entire life and it was a VHS tape and a video game. I was young and stupid and if I could pay it back, I would. I try never to lie unless it is to protect someone. I love the saying "if you never lie, you never have to remember what you said." I try to live my life by that code.
So Thursday, when you look across the table and you see people that love you. Remember that just because they don't know, doesn't mean it isn't hurting them. I know that when I sit across the table, I will look at my father and know there sits a man who gets me and I get him. I will look across at my 98 year old grandmother and be ever so thankful that we had the chance to connect this summer in a way we never really did before. I will cherish those three weeks. I will look at my brother and wish we were closer. Not in the sense we don't love each other, but we're distant at times and don't do enough together. I will look at his wife and feel bad I wasn't part of her life more the past two years. I didn't know how. I will look across at whoever else might be there and be thankful they are with us on that day. I will spend the rest of the day looking into my mirror. I will think about my handful of true friends who were with me through the journey. I will think about those who aren't there, but I know would be in the blink of an eye. I will think about that someone special, who isn't with me, but is in my heart. Who may have broke it slightly forever, but mended other parts of me. I will then end the night thinking about the greatest person in my life and I'll wish she was there. I'll definitely cry. She and my father made me the person I am. They made me smart and they made me strong, but most importantly, they showed me the way. The way I could live my life, so when I look into my mirror, I can know the person looking back at me is the best person he can be. At the end of the day, I'm thankful for that.
For the past seven years, I always seem to get sick the week of Thanksgiving and for some odd reason I don't think this year will be any different. I can feel the tickle starting in my throat. We'll wait and see. I'd rather be sick this weekend than for Thanksgiving day. All that aside, my physical health rarely ruins the week. Well or not, I will enjoy the time and do what I do best (or worst) reflect.
This past year has been a tough one for me. It truly has. Despite what people might think, I have stayed positive. I have really tried to look at the things these negative events have taught me. Many times, I try not to view them as negatives, but as lessons. The year started off with my car dying and due to a lack of funds I've had to learn to live without one and count on friends, neighbors, taxis and public transportation to get around. I left a job I was at for almost five years. Working with a friend was difficult at times and the friendship became strained too. The friendship seems better now. That is important. I took another job, but realized quickly I'm not 25 anymore. Physical pain and actual injury caused me to leave that, leaving me with no options until my school program started up in February. Many view being on unemployment as vacation, but I had to really cut back on things I normally took for granted. It's a humbling experience to say the least. At times, embarrassing. The year was also filled with lots of health issues for people I care about or their loved ones. As we get older this is inevitable, but this year seems to be filled, almost weekly, with the news of someone else with cancer. It never seems to escape me since my mother passed. I guess it doesn't escape anyone really.
The biggest thing that happened this year was meeting a special person. Sadly, like most of the good in my life, this was short lived. We "dated" only a few weeks, with some time after that was tumultuous and then it looked like we could be friends, but there are feelings on one side and complexities on the other that seem to doom any realistic chance of this. I'm hopeful, but doubtful. If anything, the brief moment of complete happiness, taught me lots of things about myself. I realized that the people I surrounded myself with for the past year are not truly my friends. They are people who when given the opportunity will look to benefit or enhance their day at the expense of your year. Maybe even your life. I realized that it was always apparent, but needed it to happen to me to see clearly. I also realized that I love with all my heart and I do it too quickly. I dive into things and people I love head first, without ever checking to make sure it's safe. At times, I do so, knowing it isn't safe. This was one of those occasions. I realized also that I needed to slow down. I need to take more time to recover from nights out and needed a break from being the funny drunk guy. I can still be that guy, but once, maybe twice a week, not seven days. I realized we are given chances to shine and when we fail we lose some of our luster. That luster, unfortunately does not ever come back. You can't undo your mistakes and there are some times when an apology isn't the answer.
So I looked into my mirror, as I seem to do so many nights and I came to some conclusions, based on my life and on those lives I'm surrounded by. When it boils down to it, I'm a good person. I do for others much more often than others do for me. I am extremely thankful to those who do and I try at all times to show my gratitude. I don't cheat on my spouse or significant other, sadly, like the majority of people I know do. I don't fuck over friends to benefit myself, like so many people I know do. It dawned on me this year, I have had the opportunity to "be with" three of my friends wives and one of their girlfriends and all four times, I politely declined and went on with my boring honest life. I've had the opportunity to better my standing with people, but throwing others under the bus and have passed on every one. I have had opportunities to tell the truth, knowing people would get hurt and lied to save someone who was innocent the pain. I wonder at times is that really the right thing to do. I have helped someone out financially when I didn't have money myself. I have donated to charities, when the donation itself was roughly 5% of the money I had in the bank. I just felt at the time that it needed to be done. Maybe it was my subconscious telling me my karma needed some charging.
I'm not trying to implicate anyone or make myself out to be some sort of moral martyr. I just wish people would look into their mirrors. See the loving partner, the beautiful kid, the job which could be worse and realize it isn't bad at all. If you feel stuck with someone or something, I feel for you. I know the feeling, but hurting them isn't going to make you feel better in the long run. I always wonder why people cheat, lie or steal to benefit themselves. I wonder how they live with themselves. I know the one time I did anything that could be considered cheating I felt awful. I feel awful to this day and the person I hurt was and is special to me in many ways. I have stolen two things in my entire life and it was a VHS tape and a video game. I was young and stupid and if I could pay it back, I would. I try never to lie unless it is to protect someone. I love the saying "if you never lie, you never have to remember what you said." I try to live my life by that code.
So Thursday, when you look across the table and you see people that love you. Remember that just because they don't know, doesn't mean it isn't hurting them. I know that when I sit across the table, I will look at my father and know there sits a man who gets me and I get him. I will look across at my 98 year old grandmother and be ever so thankful that we had the chance to connect this summer in a way we never really did before. I will cherish those three weeks. I will look at my brother and wish we were closer. Not in the sense we don't love each other, but we're distant at times and don't do enough together. I will look at his wife and feel bad I wasn't part of her life more the past two years. I didn't know how. I will look across at whoever else might be there and be thankful they are with us on that day. I will spend the rest of the day looking into my mirror. I will think about my handful of true friends who were with me through the journey. I will think about those who aren't there, but I know would be in the blink of an eye. I will think about that someone special, who isn't with me, but is in my heart. Who may have broke it slightly forever, but mended other parts of me. I will then end the night thinking about the greatest person in my life and I'll wish she was there. I'll definitely cry. She and my father made me the person I am. They made me smart and they made me strong, but most importantly, they showed me the way. The way I could live my life, so when I look into my mirror, I can know the person looking back at me is the best person he can be. At the end of the day, I'm thankful for that.
Comments
Post a Comment