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Realizing

You ever notice how well we humans are at  ignoring all the obvious signs and some of the more difficult to see?  You ever have an extended period of clarity where you start to realize things all at once.  It's pretty overwhelming.  The past few days and weeks have been a time of that.

In the past few weeks I've realized that a lot of people I thought were friends really aren't.  I also realized that some people I thought I might have lost as friends are there, stronger than ever.  Sadly, the first group is far larger than the second.

In the past few days I've realized that my grandmother doesn't have the spark that she did as little as five months ago.  The years and the ailments have caught up to her.  She has her moments, but confusion and the inability to sustain her energy has change her.  Two days ago just might have been the last Thanksgiving as I know it.  A sad realization.

In the past few days, I realized I've been silly about something.  I realize a family member has been sillier.  I lost someone important to me for two years.  Important to my family.  I have her back.  I'm thankful beyond words. 

I realize that my father is not a young man anymore.  His fuse is shorter, his stamina is less.  He's worked the last few years,  Most of the last 15 years.  Taking care of others.  Maybe it's where I get my attributes.  Caring for others before myself.  He's tired of it at 77.  I'm tired of it at 41, but we endure.

I came to the realization that I have to let go of someone I love.  That the way I want things aren't the way they are meant to be.  Do I think this person would be my soul mate and we'd be happy together? I don't have a doubt, but we'd be happy at the expense of one or both of us being ourselves 100%.  Many would say that relationship success is based on the ability to give up some of yourself for others, but to change who you are doesn't work.  Maybe one day we'll be in different places and come together again.  It would work, but things will change.  Who knows if we'll be able to change then.

I came to the realization that the harder you try to make something good for others, the more chance someone else will try to make it harder for you.  If you do something selfless, someone else will take credit for it.  I have done my best to build something and time and time again, someone comes in, someone with no history of the situation and destroys it.  Leaving me to pick up the pieces and make it better.

I've come to the realization there is nothing here for me anymore.  Nothing to come home to.  Sure I have friends, but to come home to an empty home.  To come home to messages from a special someone telling me they can't wait to see me would be nice.  While I was away, I think I had a handful of texts, most replies.  Almost nobody asked how my day went.  Those who did, were sincere, but it was mostly because I had asked first.  It would be nice to have someone really care.

I came to the realization that honesty, care, selflessness, compassion and love are attributes of someone who is seen as weak.  A loser.  These aren't things that are revered.  It's how I was brought up and now, at 41, it's not a positive.  That is a realization that is hard to take.

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