No, not the Counting Crows album from years ago. A look into the future, based on the past, it makes me wonder. At least once in the last five Augusts I've endured some sort of turmoil revolving friends, lovers or just acquaintances. Obviously, this is just a coincidence. This is a happy time, why would anyone want to argue? I think the problem with August is that some see summer's finish line and they feel an urgency to make up for lost time. Lazy days spent sitting in an air conditioned house, neglecting the daily grind. Then there are those who count the days until school starts, either as a student or a teacher, this is an angry time. Not surprising, many of my woes have dealt with teachers over this time. That might just be because of the incredible percentage of my friends who are in the field, but who knows?
September always seems to bring a little closure and by October, the thoughts of August, while still there, don't seem to really affect me the same way. The heart mends in our minds, much like a drunks liver. Saving it from what? Reality? I'd like to think that our heart heals so the mind can rest. Maybe it's my love for the falling leaves and the anticipation of the cold winter that I love so dearly. So why does this feel different? Honestly, it should. The key components of this month's episode of the late summer tragedy are much, were much, bigger parts of my life than before. In the past it's taken me weeks, even months to figure out what happened and why and then I try and convince myself it wasn't worth it. I know most of the time I'm lying to myself, but it helps ease the pain. So why does this feel so different?
Today I awoke and it wasn't like every other day. A long vitriol filled e-mail filled with contradictions, hypocrisy and flat out lies. Selective memory reminding others of the atrocities of time past, yet no memory of their much more frequent and much more recent letdowns. This didn't phase me. A text from someone I call a brother. This didn't phase me either. Why not? Why am I so pessimistic or cynical as people LOVE to tell me? Because today, I sat and I thought. I sipped coffee and reflected. Reflected on the numerous times I spent listening to two best friends bash each other and their lives. I reflected on someone I call best friend who doesn't return calls, texts or any other communications, but forgets who was there when they needed someone. I thought about 23 years of silliness and thought to myself. This is truly not worth my time or energy. Normally I get angry, respond and feel a need to have the last word. Nope. Last night I made three clicks. Today I made two. Essentially erasing people from my life. Sure, it's the technological equivalent of casting people from your life, but for some reason, there wasn't a second thought. I am still friends, from a distance with most of my August tussles. I click here and there to say a silent hello. Hoping they are happy, remember either our times together or whatever bond we shared. I used to hold grudges, but it's easier just to let go.
I have to be careful not to react. This sense of freedom I feel has me suddenly wanting to strip myself of all those who stress me, but love, in many ways is stress. We view it as positive, whether it be romantic or just a closeness, but it's the most stressful of all, because we put those people on a pedestal and we expect them to always rise to the occasion, but they are only human and we mustn't forget that. Tomorrow, I will awake, sip my coffee and instead of looking upon August as the burden I've seen it as, I'll nod my head to it and look at it as one of the signs that I've been looking for. The signs telling me that it's time to move on and escape the clutches of all that I have allowed to hold me back. Maybe I'll just make a nice omelet, drive over to pick up my father from the train and go about my day, worrying about what others think of me, but who haven't been a big enough part of my life to warrant such concern. No, I'll do as that insipid song says and "let it go."
September always seems to bring a little closure and by October, the thoughts of August, while still there, don't seem to really affect me the same way. The heart mends in our minds, much like a drunks liver. Saving it from what? Reality? I'd like to think that our heart heals so the mind can rest. Maybe it's my love for the falling leaves and the anticipation of the cold winter that I love so dearly. So why does this feel different? Honestly, it should. The key components of this month's episode of the late summer tragedy are much, were much, bigger parts of my life than before. In the past it's taken me weeks, even months to figure out what happened and why and then I try and convince myself it wasn't worth it. I know most of the time I'm lying to myself, but it helps ease the pain. So why does this feel so different?
Today I awoke and it wasn't like every other day. A long vitriol filled e-mail filled with contradictions, hypocrisy and flat out lies. Selective memory reminding others of the atrocities of time past, yet no memory of their much more frequent and much more recent letdowns. This didn't phase me. A text from someone I call a brother. This didn't phase me either. Why not? Why am I so pessimistic or cynical as people LOVE to tell me? Because today, I sat and I thought. I sipped coffee and reflected. Reflected on the numerous times I spent listening to two best friends bash each other and their lives. I reflected on someone I call best friend who doesn't return calls, texts or any other communications, but forgets who was there when they needed someone. I thought about 23 years of silliness and thought to myself. This is truly not worth my time or energy. Normally I get angry, respond and feel a need to have the last word. Nope. Last night I made three clicks. Today I made two. Essentially erasing people from my life. Sure, it's the technological equivalent of casting people from your life, but for some reason, there wasn't a second thought. I am still friends, from a distance with most of my August tussles. I click here and there to say a silent hello. Hoping they are happy, remember either our times together or whatever bond we shared. I used to hold grudges, but it's easier just to let go.
I have to be careful not to react. This sense of freedom I feel has me suddenly wanting to strip myself of all those who stress me, but love, in many ways is stress. We view it as positive, whether it be romantic or just a closeness, but it's the most stressful of all, because we put those people on a pedestal and we expect them to always rise to the occasion, but they are only human and we mustn't forget that. Tomorrow, I will awake, sip my coffee and instead of looking upon August as the burden I've seen it as, I'll nod my head to it and look at it as one of the signs that I've been looking for. The signs telling me that it's time to move on and escape the clutches of all that I have allowed to hold me back. Maybe I'll just make a nice omelet, drive over to pick up my father from the train and go about my day, worrying about what others think of me, but who haven't been a big enough part of my life to warrant such concern. No, I'll do as that insipid song says and "let it go."
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