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Things I Would Like To Do Before I Die (Maybe)

This is not a bucket list.  I do not desire to jump out of a plane or climb Kilamanjaro.  I don't even want to see the Great Wall, unless it's the one in Fleetwood and I'm ordering boneless spare ribs.  No these are things I'd like to do for the reaction.

I'd love to walk into a nursing home lobby where everyone always seems to congregate.  I'd hold up a a whip and a ball gag and say "did anyone leave this in the dining hall?"

Or pretend to be a health inspector and close down a young child's lemonade stand for health violations.  I'd give them a phony summons and say "being cute only gets you so far.  And stop crying!"

I would like to go into a bar with nine friends all dressed like cowboys and order ten beers and tens shots, drink them down and throw a gold filling on the bar and walk out.

I'd like to walk into Lord & Taylor and go up the escalator and right as the perfume ladies come over, spray them with a fire extinguisher.

I'd like to set up a slip and slide directed at a wall and see how many people still try it.

I want to go to a Chinese restaurant and order something with cheese on it.

I want to bring balloons to a wake that say "Get well."

I want to watch a porno with an old blind guy and tell him it's s horror film and he's lucky he can't see because they guy just keeps stabbing her over and over again.

I want to go scuba diving with someone and when they aren't looking, cut them and swim away.

I want to tape record a sea lion and Marlee Matlin having a conversation.

I want to tie up a bunch of vegans and make them watch me eat a Kilt burger.

I want to play Jenga against Michael J. Fox. 

I want to meet the writers of Grey's Anatomy and take away their crayons.

I would like to spend a day with someone on death row and keep telling them jokes, but not the punchlines. 

I would like to make a sex tape with Kathy Bates.  She's really talented.

I would like to order Chinese food and feed it to a cat.  Then jump up and down calling the cat a cannibal (That's for you Kim).

I would like to order sushi and request "only if it's moving."

I want to go out the morning of the Columbus Day Parade and scatter the streets with cardboard cutouts of dead Indians since that's what we're celebrating right?

I want to go down on an Australian girl just for the irony.

I want to see Nancy Grace naked so I can stop eating for one whole week.  Although it may blind me.

I'd like to race Stephen Hawkings.

I'd like to go to one of those events where they make 10,000 Dominos drop and have there be an earthquake while they are setting up.

I'd like to go for a ride with Stevie Wonder.

I'd like to break into a Snapple plant and put "facts" about sexual positions under the cap.

I want to meet Kenny Rogers plastic surgeon and ask him what he was going for.

I don't smoke weed, but might make an exception to do it with Willy Nelson or Snoop Dog.

I want to go to an Amusement park and put a chair down and over it have a sign that says "Magic Chair Ride - $2."  But there's nothing magical about the chair.

I want to dress for Halloween as John Benet Ramsey's father, I mean killer, I mean...oh same thing.

I want to play golf with Tiger Woods on a private golf course and before every put tell him he's not really supposed to be here.

I want to go white water rafting on the Bronx River.

I want to spend a night in Jail with a Mexican.  Oh I'm sorry, they pronounce it Jail....I meant Yale.

I want to Linday Lohan's house arrest ankle bracelet on my shoulder.

Finally, I want to be truly happy one day, hahaha, nevermind, JK.

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