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Wholesale Changes

For the last month plus I've been pretty much an open book.  What I didn't realize, is that in disclosing my life and it's strengths and weakness, I opened myself up to people who prey on this.  Monday morning I made a decision to stop drinking.  I don't know if this is forever or until I get my act together, but this week, while stressful for other reason, has been a reason for a weekend cocktail. It is now Sunday afternoon, the first football games are entering halftime and the Red Sox are playing the Yankees.  There are friends at bars all over and there is a pig roast down the street from me.  I'm currently sitting home with my third cup of coffee.  I've already eaten, checked my e-mail, my twitter and my Facebook.  Ready to go.

Today is different.  People have this perception that I drink every day, which couldn't be further from the truth. I'm not giving it up because I'm an alcoholic, I'm giving it up, because when I do drink, I can't control it anymore.  That lack of control has caused my sober days to be completely useless.  One thing that a completely sober week has taught me, is that clarity is kinda of scary.  In the past week, I've had friends who I almost never see reach out to me and offer to help.  Oddly enough, the people I surround myself with have almost completely deserted me.  Two people have checked in to make sure I'm OK and this has not gone unnoticed.  I remember a few years ago, I took a little break from the drink and one of the local bartenders called me up and said "Not trying to get you back, but I'm here."  When I wrote my blog about my choice, the manager of a place I frequent called to say she supports me and thinks it's a good plan.  These are friends.

Alcohol clouds your judgement.  This week and last night things came to light that I wasn't aware of.  Apparently, I have been saying things about people that I didn't realize I ever said.  Sadly, the person who was told these things believes them.  I never said them, but when five people say someone is purple, it's hard to believe that the person isn't purple.  Anyone that knows me knows I'm painfully honest.  I looked this person right in the eye and swore on my brother's life I didn't say these things.  The water cooler is a dangerous place.  It ruins reputations and destroys relationships.  I don't ever say anything to anyone I wouldn't say to their face.  It's gotten me in trouble, but it's never compromised my integrity.

I have friends who badmouth me to better themselves.  I have friends who would lie to me to hurt me.  I have friends who would fuck any girl I'm seeing or interested in, just to say they could.  I have friends whose secrets I keep, because it would ruin their lives, but they don't honor my friendship the same way.  I have friends who don't care I'm hurting.  I have friends, wait a minute.  What is a friend?  Why would anyone call themselves a friend if they'd do this?  They aren't friends at all.  They are people I see. They are people I drink with.  They are people in the same room doing the same thing that I am.  Are those friends?  Maybe it's time, I stop calling these people friends.  Maybe it's time that I look in the mirror and decide what I need.  I think it's time I go back to the person I was about 12 years ago.  There was no Facebook and I didn't have 500 friends.  I had about eight.  Eight people I confided in, trusted and who trusted me.  The rest were acquaintances.  I think it's time to go back to that.  To be guarded.  I've let a lot of people in my life over the last ten years and I've been nothing but miserable.  I was always happy with my core. 

On Monday I quit a vice.  Today, I think it's time I quit the rest of them.  Maybe not potato chips, but those make me happy. It's important to be happy.

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