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Things I Miss

I've had a serious problem sleeping this holiday season. Normally when I come to my father's house I sleep much better than at home. Not this trip. I've been here since 8pm Friday.  At the moment, I've been here for 81 hours.  I've slept for a total of nine hours.  I am feeling the stress of no sleep and I'm not happy. It's affecting my mood.  My mood has affected others.  Some of have turned that mood around at times, some haven't been there for me. It's the holidays, they might have been busy. 

Coming up Ithaca it made me think of little things I miss dearly.  Some of the things, I miss because I'm not here, some I miss because I am and some, well, I've been missing for some time now.  Living along has it's perks, but the number one thing I miss is having breakfast with someone.  More than anything, I miss waking up earlier than whoever I'm with and making them breakfast in bed.  What can be better, than waking up, putting on a pot of coffee, waiting for that call from the bedroom and telling that special someone to relax.  Coming up a few minutes later with breakfast and some coffee.  It doesn't have to be fancy.  I love eating with someone else, but I love sitting while someone else enjoys the simple start to their day. 

I miss the feeling of a house.  My apartment is so small, there isn't the luxury of going into another room.  Of having breakfast in the kitchen and dinner in the dining room. Of watching TV in the living room or in the bedroom. I miss sitting on a porch, a terrace or a deck, sipping a nice cocktail while the sun sets.  I miss watching the snowfall on the cars.  I miss being able to have people over.  Being alone sucks in that way.

I miss playing sports.  My knees are so weak these days, I can barely stand for more than two hours at a time. Earlier this year, my knees and tendinitis in my elbow cost me a job.  The job I still have takes it's toll, even though it's low impact.   I have lost weight and I walk much more than I used to, but it the pain is brutal.  I long for the days after school, playing basketball til the sun went down, playing softball or football every Sunday.  People who have only known me in the last 15 years don't realize that I was actually a pretty good athlete. It kills me that I've lost that part of my life.  I'd give up pretty much anything good in my life to have that ability back. 

I miss spending the holidays with someone who matters to me romantically.  Ironically, I talked, texted or e-mailed almost every person I've ever spent a holiday with.   I did talk, talk and e-mail others, some of who I could see myself with, but it is different.  Laying down next that person Christmas Eve or waking up Christmas morning next to that person.   That's what I miss.  I miss being a part of their family and they of mine.  I miss that feeling so much. 

Obviously, I miss my mom.  I miss the people I've lost through death, locales or just lost touch with.  I miss so many things.  I miss waking up every morning happy.  I miss feeling comfortable about where I am. I miss the feeling of security, of calm.  Some of the situation I'm in is my fault, some of it is chance and much of it is bad luck or bad timing.  I have confidence that eventually things will turn around. Like a cat, I'll land on my feet.  I just hope I have a few of my nine lives left.


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