My grandmother told me three stories tonight.
"One time when me and Jack (my grandfather) were younger. Your father wasn't born yet. We rented a house for $37 a month. We had a great big porch and had a party. Everyone was drinking and I went and got a glass jar of mayonnaise and threw it against the wall. Everyone looked at me, so I told them not to worry. Hell, we didn't own the place."
GM: You know how people in the movies drink a glass of champagne and then throw the glass in the fireplace?
Me: Yes.
GM: Well when I was younger I always wanted to do that.
Me: OK, did you?
GM: Of course I did.
Me: I don't remember you having a fireplace in Olney.
GM: Oh no. I waited til I was at someone else's house to do it. I wasn't going to break my champagne glasses.
Me: Of course.
GM: Did you know my brother Bill?
Me: I don't know, I may have met him once.
GM: Well he couldn't swim.
Me: OK.
GM: Well he was younger and was staying with us at this house over the summer. We liked to swim.
Me: Oh that must have been fun for him.
GM: Your father couldn't swim either.
Me: Really?
GM: Well he was four.
Me: Oh.
GM: Well one day I wanted to go swimming and I was mad that he and your father couldn't swim, so I talked my brother into taking the barn door off the hinges. So we carried it down to the river with a peach basket. We put the basket on the door, put your father in the basket and we got a stick to push off of the land. We went all the way down the river. There were a lot of rapids and my brother could have drowned if we tipped over.
Me: And my dad.
GM: Oh he was fine. Well Jack came home and saw the door missing and came looking for us. Bill helped him put it back on but he wasn't happy and told us it was dangerous. I guess it was, but who cares, I was bored and they couldn't swim.
Sometimes I seriously wonder how this woman survived.
She didn't tell it this time, but there are two drunken stories that took place at parties and two baby sitting stories.
One night she was invited to a party of her husband's co-worker or boss. They had a beautiful flower bed in front of their house and my grandmother and one of her friends admired it on their way in. They got really drunk and my grandfather cut them off. Angry that they weren't being served alcohol, they took his car keys and proceeded to do donuts on the front lawn and crushed all the flowers. I don't think they were invited to the next party.
Another time she was at a party and, as she put it, a little tipsy. There was a rather large woman sitting next to her and she kept looking at her arm. As she describes it "she had this big flabby arm and I was so hungry." So she bit the woman's arm and I believe drew blood.
Obviously, she was rarely left alone with me when I was a child. One time I remember I asked if I could have a banana. She said sure and I ate the banana. She said "I bet you can't eat another one." So I ate a second. The pattern continued until I ate four of them (I think I was about 8). In the middle of the night I had the worst stomach pains and constipation. Her answer the next more when asked why I was allowed to eat four bananas - "He was hungry!"
Then there was the time my brother was a little kid and she bopped him lightly on the head with an aluminum baseball bat. He cried and my father yelled "why would you do that?" She said very calmly "I wanted to see what he'd do."
Seriously, she was "shit my father says, 75 years ago!"
"One time when me and Jack (my grandfather) were younger. Your father wasn't born yet. We rented a house for $37 a month. We had a great big porch and had a party. Everyone was drinking and I went and got a glass jar of mayonnaise and threw it against the wall. Everyone looked at me, so I told them not to worry. Hell, we didn't own the place."
GM: You know how people in the movies drink a glass of champagne and then throw the glass in the fireplace?
Me: Yes.
GM: Well when I was younger I always wanted to do that.
Me: OK, did you?
GM: Of course I did.
Me: I don't remember you having a fireplace in Olney.
GM: Oh no. I waited til I was at someone else's house to do it. I wasn't going to break my champagne glasses.
Me: Of course.
GM: Did you know my brother Bill?
Me: I don't know, I may have met him once.
GM: Well he couldn't swim.
Me: OK.
GM: Well he was younger and was staying with us at this house over the summer. We liked to swim.
Me: Oh that must have been fun for him.
GM: Your father couldn't swim either.
Me: Really?
GM: Well he was four.
Me: Oh.
GM: Well one day I wanted to go swimming and I was mad that he and your father couldn't swim, so I talked my brother into taking the barn door off the hinges. So we carried it down to the river with a peach basket. We put the basket on the door, put your father in the basket and we got a stick to push off of the land. We went all the way down the river. There were a lot of rapids and my brother could have drowned if we tipped over.
Me: And my dad.
GM: Oh he was fine. Well Jack came home and saw the door missing and came looking for us. Bill helped him put it back on but he wasn't happy and told us it was dangerous. I guess it was, but who cares, I was bored and they couldn't swim.
Sometimes I seriously wonder how this woman survived.
She didn't tell it this time, but there are two drunken stories that took place at parties and two baby sitting stories.
One night she was invited to a party of her husband's co-worker or boss. They had a beautiful flower bed in front of their house and my grandmother and one of her friends admired it on their way in. They got really drunk and my grandfather cut them off. Angry that they weren't being served alcohol, they took his car keys and proceeded to do donuts on the front lawn and crushed all the flowers. I don't think they were invited to the next party.
Another time she was at a party and, as she put it, a little tipsy. There was a rather large woman sitting next to her and she kept looking at her arm. As she describes it "she had this big flabby arm and I was so hungry." So she bit the woman's arm and I believe drew blood.
Obviously, she was rarely left alone with me when I was a child. One time I remember I asked if I could have a banana. She said sure and I ate the banana. She said "I bet you can't eat another one." So I ate a second. The pattern continued until I ate four of them (I think I was about 8). In the middle of the night I had the worst stomach pains and constipation. Her answer the next more when asked why I was allowed to eat four bananas - "He was hungry!"
Then there was the time my brother was a little kid and she bopped him lightly on the head with an aluminum baseball bat. He cried and my father yelled "why would you do that?" She said very calmly "I wanted to see what he'd do."
Seriously, she was "shit my father says, 75 years ago!"
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