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Random Thoughts: About God and Religion

Well if that title doesn't make you take a look, I better stop trying.  And no, I'm not going to preach (this will probably end up being a lie, but not my initial intention).  I just have a few questions.

Why is a tree falling on your car in the middle of a hurricane an Act of God, but a tornado killing 200 people a horrible storm?

If God hates gays, why did he make so many of them and why are there so few women in the Bible?

If God made man in his image, why the fuck did he start with the dinosaurs and make them look like that?

The Pope tweeted today and apparently he gave a shout out to the Vatican Website.  I'm going to go out on a limb here, but we're never going to have a web cam in that joint.

Have you ever spent a long time in the desert?  I'm guessing, the heat, combined with a lack of food and water, would pretty much leave you delusional and imagining things.  Just think about it.  Every religion is based on some poor sap stuck in the desert hearing voices and running back and telling everyone....and them believing that person. 

Ever notice how the most religious people always seem to die the most horrible deaths?  At least they got that heaven thing going for them. 

Want a few religious oxymoron's? 
1. Getting a tattoo with a bible verse.  Anyone who has ever read the bible knows that tattoos are forbidden.
2. To all my Italian friends and church going gansta rappers, it is strictly prohibited to wear gold.
3. Finally, for all you fornicators out there who don't believe in birth control.  Well, if that baby batter goes anywhere other than inside a woman, it's sin. 
So read this carefully and let me pull a little priestly interpretation on your ass....Don't Be Tupac!

If your religion believes in one God and that God is the only God and omnipotent, then why in "God's name" did he invent other religions?

Let's say you believe in God and Jesus and all that the bible tells us of them.  Let's say you believe that Jesus was basically the Robin Hood for poor souls like the Bible states.  Let's say you believe he cared for the less fortunate and he died for our sins.  Then how the hell is wearing a few thousand dollar studded diamond cross paying tribute to him? Seriously.  Take a look at the wood statues of Jesus next time you go to church and just ask yourself "would he ever wear bling?"  Now Mary on the other hand.  She always looks like she's rocking an old skool light blue Prada sweatsuit in the corner.

Remember the act of lighting a candle when you entered church.  Think Jesus would be down with the coin operated ones they have today?

I'm picking on Christians?  Sorry, I got carried away, they are just easier, because they are much bigger hypocrites than other religions.  Sorry father, I killed a man, beat up my mom, and fucked my sister, but you can't tell anyone, so how many Our Father's is that?

OK, Let's pick on some Jews.

Hanukkah was made up. That's probably why some people spell it with a C.

Jews believed Abraham circumcised himself.  I cry when I get it stuck in my zipper.  No way I'm believing that.

Eating Matzoh on Passover is more a sign of you being a Jew than knowing Hebrew or Yiddish.  Bring on the peanut butter bitches!  I'm not Jew-ish, I'm full blown Jew today!

No matter how fucked up you are on earth, you're still going to heaven....suckers!  Which leads me to wonder why there aren't more Jewish serial killers.  Damn you David Berkowitz, couldn't you have been more like Manson?

The Seven Rules of Noah are like an abridged version of the Ten Commandments.  I think they dropped though shall not accept gays, though shall not like people who don't look just like you and Charlton Heston.

One thing that has always bothered me about most of the Jews I know. Don't you think for a people who spent 40 years walking through the desert, they'd be a little more tan? It's called adaptation. Somehow you managed to invent the yarmulke to cover the ever present male pattern ball spot that so many Jews get. Plus, I have to believe GPS would have helped them out a lot.  Forty years?   What'd they walk a mile a month?  Explains the lack of Jewish athletes. 

And of course, to make all my friends happy, I"ll dig a little on our Islamic friends.

Muslims believe that Islam governs all facets of life including politics and government.  Just like, our countries Christian politicians....nevermind.

Muslims believe there is only one God and he is everyones God.  Just like Christianity and Judaism.....are supposed to.

Muslims believe that there is no atonement or confessing of sins.  They believe that people should be good and live for their god every day.  Just like....again, nevermind.

Muslims have something called Jihad which is the inner struggle to stay true to God.  Muslims have been around for thousands of years, but apparently FoxNews said it means Holy War, so I guess it does.

People of different religions tend to make fun of Muslim women for their garb.  It is seen as a sign of modesty.  They are dressed, in essence, like that for the same reasons nuns, sisters, and the Virgin Mary do.

On Judgement Day, Muslims believe they must recite the entire Quran from memory.  From taking classes with Muslim students, I can tell you, most of them can.  Yet, most Christians and Jews can barely remember whole passages and don't even ask them to tell you what they mean.

Before 9/11 most people didn't know what Islam was.  Their prophet's name was Muhammad (or Mohamed).  One out of every six people in the world is named Muhammad, so apparently some others had heard of it.

And finally, here's a little hint for my Christian friends (both smart and simple).  Islam and Judaism are religions not nationalities.  I'm 40 and I can't tell you how many people would hear my mother was Jewish and say "so you're half Jewish, what's your father's side."  Complete ignorance.

I'm mocking religions we're more associated with and somewhat showing the sanity behind Islamic teaching to make a point.  We mock what we don't understand, instead of taking time to learn about it.  I was lucky.  When 9/11 happened, despite my sorrow, despite my anger, I had the intelligence to know that this wasn't done in the name of Islam, it was someones perception of what Islam should be.  This is why they are called extremists.  We have them here too, they blow up buildings in Oklahoma City and places like that.  They are a tiny collection of people who believe in extreme violence in the name of God.  The same way the German's treated Jews during the Holocaust.  The same way Christians treated everyone during The Crusades.  The same way Jews  treat pork (seriously, no bacon).  Last week, despite religious fighting, a group of New Yorkers were given a right that all religions and God's believe in.  Equality. If there are homosexuals and you believe in God, he created them, whether you like it or not.  It is not your job to judge anyone, apparently if you are of faith, you believe the man upstairs does it.  So if you hate someone for not being like you, ask yourself if God views your hatred with love?  I doubt it.

What if you're all wrong. What if there is a God and he created all these different viewpoints as a test to see if people could put aside their differences and realize that, save some wording in man made books, each religions belief system basically boils down to being good to yourself, your loved ones and your fellow man and woman. Because when you strip away all the rhetoric, it's really what it's all about.  What if there is a God and you've all been doing it wrong and little old me, Mr. Devils Advocate, questioner of all, is the one who passed the test.  What if God is looking down and saying, "he might be an asshole, but he gets it."  We're all inherently bad (original sin?) and as long as we accept everyone and their beliefs without judgement, I think it's supposed to work.  God knows, as do I, it ain't working now.

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